15. New Beginnings with Beth Nemeth
“You will find your purpose by exploring and not being afraid of change and not being afraid to try something new.”
Tara and Tina continue their recent focus on retirement and retirement planning by interviewing Beth Nemeth who is right on the cusp of retirement. If the previous episode left you feeling anxious that you have not started thinking about your retirement plans, the interview with Beth will hopefully ease some of that anxiety. It is important to realize that most people for various reasons do not plan their retirement. And often, it comes upon them unexpectedly or abruptly. It is also true that for many us, we are so busy doing and living our life, that we don’t have the time, energy or bandwidth to plan our next phase.
The interview with Beth, in which she so courageously shares so much of herself and her story, portrays an extremely realistic journey to retirement. From her dedication to her job as a school counselor to concerns about her family's health, Beth reveals the layers of complexity that impact her decision to retire.
Beth shows us that although the specifics of her retirement years are still unknown, her strong values of family, personal growth and making a positive impact will define and shape her next chapter. Her ability to excercise patience, embrace change and self-reflect are excellent lessons for anyone contemplating a big change. Beth's journey is a reminder that there are many different paths to a rewarding and meaningful retirement.
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[00:22] Christina Donovan: Do you feel the need for change in your life, but are not sure why or when or how? Do you feel a pressure of running out of time? Do you spend most of your time doing things that are not important to you anymore? These are all symptoms or characteristics of middle essence. And this is our podcast, Messy Middle essence. Hello. This is Christina Conti Donovan, and I'm here with my sister, Tara Conti Bansal, and our very special guest, Beth Nemeth. Beth comes to us via Kelly Valenciak, who we interviewed in episode 13. And Beth is right on the edge of retirement. She is just recently retired. I think you said Sunday.
[01:13] Tara Bansal: Yes, actually a few days in.
[01:15] Christina Donovan: So we're very excited to talk to her about her planning up to retirement and sort of what she's going through with retirement. And we're just going to go ahead and jump in. So welcome, Beth. We're very happy to have you.
[01:31] Beth Nemeth: Happy to be here.
[01:33] Christina Donovan: Do you want to start by telling us a little bit about yourself, both personally and professionally?
[01:39] Beth Nemeth: Sure. So personally, I am living up here, and I'm in Easton, Pennsylvania. However, I work right over the border in Hunter County, New Jersey. I'm a school counselor, but prior to that, I was a special education teacher. I worked in a resource room, kind of pull out classroom for several years. Then I transitioned to an emotional support classroom for probably about 18 years. And then the last stint of my career at the high school has been as a school counselor. So I have thoroughly enjoyed it, and I have been in this role since I was 26 years old. So I have really enjoyed my job. I enjoy what we do here. I enjoy the impact that we've made on students, very student centered. But I've also realized in doing this job, it's kind of pulled me from my family at times and just the demand and kind of what's asked and what's required and really what's needed to kind of do a good job can be really taxing. So from the personal side, I am the oldest of five girls. I come from a big irish Catholic family. We grew up pretty much in northern Virginia. My dad worked for the FBI, so we moved around a lot when I was younger. And then when I was probably in 6th grade, my dad relocated to Fairfax station and worked at Quantico at the FBI academy, and then he had a couple of other transfers. Since then, my mom was a stay at home mom. She was a nurse prior to that, an emergency room nurse. And all of us were pretty much situated in high school and middle school at that point. My parents wanted to stay there in Fairfax county. So my dad then drove to Baltimore every day and would make the commute in the morning. And just to kind of keep all of us kind of intact. They were married five years and had four kids, so we're very close in age, and we. It's worked out really well. We have, let's see, 14 grandkids. I have two myself. I have a son who's 31, Kevin. He's married to Megan, and they have a little boy, Rowan, who's two. My daughter Catherine just got married in October, and she's married to Ty, and they are both in the Richmond area. Both of them live there. So there's been a real strong pull the last probably two or three years to kind of get back down that way. But I'm up here. So when I got married, I left in 1989, and my family's pretty much all stayed down there, so it's been tough off and on. But I think as I've done this job for so many years, and I'm still. I kind of still feel that I'm really good at what I do. But I also feel this pull to kind of be more near my family. And I think as my parents have gotten older and the aging process with them, my dad with the Alzheimer's, it's been really tough to kind of be up here with everything kind of going on down there. Good stuff, you know, with my kid down there, and I have a little grandson, like I mentioned, but then really tough stuff. Watching my mom and dad go through this Alzheimer's and what it's done to my family and my sisters and I, we kind of pulls us apart at times and then brings us together. So at this point, I feel like I'm ready to kind of start another chapter and retire from this to something else. And I have some ideas, but I don't know exactly. So it's. I'm kind of. I feel like I'm on the edge of a. Like a cliff here, getting ready to jump. And I know there's safety. I know all that stuff, but it's kind of. Kind of a little unnerving as kind of, kind of at the same time. Yeah.
[05:04] Tara Bansal: I mean, that's a big change. We can relate on many different levels. Tina and I are one of seven with four girls and three boys, and we moved around quite a bit in our younger ages, too. You had mentioned to Tina and I, before getting on the recording, that you were a teacher, and then you switched to becoming a guidance counselor. Would you mind telling a little more about that, like choosing that and how that change was for you and just changing jobs.
[05:41] Beth Nemeth: So I probably was maybe close to a little over 40. And I was, had been a teacher for a number of years and I was just feeling a pull to do something different. But I knew I still wanted to work with the high school population. My previous job in the classroom, I was, like I said, an emotional support teacher. I had twelve students. I had an educational support aid in my classroom. We had a school, a therapist that would come in two days a week. So the job was so demanding and I was just kind of burned out. But then I was also looking to kind of try something else. But I was afraid because I hadn't been in grad school for a while and here I had two kids. They were in 7th grade, I think, and 9th grade at the time. And I thought about going back and getting my masters. I have, I went to school at James Madison University. Then I went right into grad school at George Mason and got my master's in special ed technology, which I really didn't use. When I came to this high school working with severely profoundly handicapped students with adaptive switches and devices, I ended up just kind of going right in the classroom. So my concern was, gosh, can I do this? You know, go back to grad school at, you know, later on in life? And I've got husband and I've got two kids and the responsibility, and my husband is also an educator. So he was very supportive. Two of my sisters were like very supportive and said, beth, come on, you can, you can definitely manage this. This is something you can do. You like school, you're good at school. So I thought, you know what, let me still stay in the high school setting. And I need to work with kids that, I don't know. I needed something to kind of see what healthy adolescents looked like because I was just really struggling and trying to keep my perspective and keep a picture of how I can help these kids that are struggling. And I think working with other peers or other students that were kind of in a better place, maybe emotionally or academically, was going to help me get the big picture and I could maybe then work in addition to keeping these students as part of my experience in the high school. So I did go back, I took a sabbatical, so I took a year off. I went to classes during the day and some of the classes were in the evening. So my husband Carrie was fantastic and would run the kids to practice and get them to and from. And I really enjoyed it. I was an older student at the time, and I had a lot of younger students who were simply, like, right out of college and going right into grad school. So we kind of worked really well together because I have a lot of classroom experience that they necessarily didn't have, and then they would help me with some of the technology stuff and some of the online things that I'm like, oh, wait a minute. I don't know. Never done this before. So. So it really worked out well, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. And then I kind of finished up when I came back to work and a position to open up in my high school, so I was able to kind of slide right into that. But going back to school was kind of a big. It was kind of scary for me, but looking back, I'm so glad I did it, and it kind of turned me on to another career still under the same umbrella of working with, with high school kids and has been really rewarding for me. So I'm kind of. I mean, I'm conflicted in that I'm. I still enjoy what I'm doing, but I also feel like, gosh, Beth, there's still something else out there for you, and you just got to take that leap again and figure out what that might be.
[08:48] Tara Bansal: Was it hard for you to figure out what to go back to school in, or you knew?
[08:52] Beth Nemeth: No, I knew because I enjoyed working with kids and just kind of some of the counseling perspective and helping them kind of realize their potential. I think for so many of these students, it's just having someone who kind of believes in them and kind of can think outside the box and let's look for another way to make something happen, or, hey, I saw this great opportunity I thought would be perfect for you. And I think when I was in the counseling office, it was just a bustle of energy. There were so many things kind of happening all at once, and I kind of liked that type of work environment where it is, it's quick, it's fast moving. I kind of have kids coming in and out, just the energy level that was required for it. I really liked it. And to see kids that were super motivated and really goal oriented, I hadn't really had that experience. So that, to me, was really inspiring on so many ways. And I think working with those types of kids to see, wow, you know, I've been really working with kids who have been struggling, which I really liked, but I really, to see what some of these kids can do is it was really eye opening for me. So would you say it was a.
[09:55] Christina Donovan: Fairly easy transition once you started.
[09:59] Beth Nemeth: Yeah, once I got into the job, I was a little bit overwhelmed with everything that was entailed with it. But I kind of went from a classroom of twelve kids where I was kind of hyper focused on them, and I looked at their academic and the emotional well being and the social component and working with the families, and I gave 120%. And my goal was to get these kids transitioned back out into the mainstream of the classroom. My classroom was the last stop before they were looking at private placement or out of school placement. And then when I came into the guidance office, I had, like, over 200 kids, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, how do I do all that for these kids? So, you know, you kind of figure it out. Some kids need a lot more than others. But, like, I, you know, it is such a demanding job, and I've done really well, but I kind of had a. I one time got a thank you note from a parent, and she was so appreciative of my help and working with her daughter, who was really struggling, and she kind of said, you know, gosh, you've done so much for my daughter. I hope you're able to do the same for your family. And it kind of resonated with me, like, oh, my gosh, you know, this job has really takes so much out of me, and especially now since COVID you know, the students, it's been really difficult on so many levels for them, not only academically, but emotionally. I think we've lost some of those social skills and are really struggling. Of course, the cell phones kind of thrown into that they're struggling. So I think just having the support here at the high school has been, been a big help for them.
[11:24] Tara Bansal: Tell us more how it sounds like you been thinking about retirement for a couple of years.
[11:32] Beth Nemeth: Yeah.
[11:33] Tara Bansal: Tell us about when that began, what you've been doing, and even what it means that you pushed the button on Sunday.
[11:41] Beth Nemeth: Yeah. So I did it on St. Patty's Day, and it was kind of like. It's like an ode to my dad a little bit because he's this irish, irish guy, and I don't want to get emotional, but he. He always told me to enjoy life. And he retired at 57, and he was so, oh, gosh, he just loved his grandkids and would come to sporting events. And when my son was born, my dad and got a house in the outer banks in North Carolina and bought a beach house, and that was the legacy he wanted to leave to the five of us. So we are trying to keep it together. The five of us are kind of, we're all in and our husbands are all in and our kids are all in for the most part. And I think watching kind of what's happened to him. And, you know, he really enjoyed his retirement, and he got a chance to kind of spend some time, quality time at the beach and with all of us. My husband, on the other hand, his dad worked for air products and chemical for years, and he got sick at 61, and he hadn't even retired yet. So it was, he spent the last eight years of his life dealing with kidney cancer and just surgeries. And I know my husband could retire at 55. He said, I'm out. I said, carrie, what do you need? Wait, wait. You're 55? And he said, I'm not going out. Like, my dad, my dad worked and worked and worked, and then at the end, he never really had a chance to kind of enjoy. And I know I've been away from my family for, like, 35 years, in a way, kind of sort of, you know, up here in Pennsylvania. So there's just a strong pull for me to kind of be down there with everybody and my sisters, that's kind of what I enjoyed doing and spending time with them and my nieces and nephews. And I think my dad, he would, he would kind of say when he was kind of struggling with the Alzheimer's, like, Beth, you know, you're 55. How much money? What do you need? You. I'll give you the money. You know, he wanted me so badly to come down there and bring my husband down there. And my kids were kind of in school down there and wanted us to kind of all he would love if we were all, like, on a big compound together. Everybody lives fairly close for the most part, but that was his wish. And. And I think, too, now, we probably, six years ago, we bought a lake house down in kind of Virginia, Lake Caroline. So we've been there maybe six years. So, you know, we do have kind of 1ft down there and 1ft here. So we were thinking about the goal was going to be eventually to kind of retire down there, but we always kind of. I was the one that was like, I don't know. I'm not ready just yet. I'm not ready just yet. But I think at the end of the day, I realize now with my parents getting sick or my mom is doing well, thank goodness. But with my dad and my father in law, it's like, at the end of the day, you're not like, God, I wish I worked more. I wish I could have some. My perspective has changed, and I know I have a little grandson now, and my goal is to kind of retire and get down there, but to kind of retire to something else as well. So I still want to. Because of the Alzheimer's and that genetic predisposition, there is a part of me that's a little fearful about retiring because I need to find something to do. I want to keep my. My brain engaged. I want to have connections with my family and relationships and college roommates that I talk to all the time. But we haven't had a chance to get together or so now this year, finally, it was like, no, this is the time to do it. And even though you're enjoying this year and you're making a lot of progress and you're doing a lot of good things here at the high school, your family is what's most important. And I want to kind of get down there, and I feel like I'm not a golfer, but I feel like I'm on the back nine. Like, I'm not. Or, like, on a roller coaster. I'm not going up. I'm like, okay, I'm over now. And now I'm starting to, like, you know, there's this finite sense for me of, like, you know, I have. I don't know how much time I have left, but I hope the time I do have left now. I want to kind of make an impact with people that matter to me most and develop those memories and spend time in the outer banks and spend time at the lake and. But then also I have got to find something to do. Probably still working with teenagers or still working in that maybe, you know, college freshman, you know, transition. So that's kind of what's on my radar right now. But also spending time with my husband, traveling, taking some trips, that's kind of what we're hoping to do. But here comes. I'm sorry.
[16:05] Christina Donovan: Your husband is definitely retired.
[16:07] Beth Nemeth: He retired at 55, so he's been retired four years now. And he. He can build anything. He can make anything. He can. He's got umpteen projects going on. He recently bought a sawmill, and he's kind of involved in that. He. We have a pontoon boat, and he got into kind of reupholstery. I mean, there's so many things he can do. It's unbelievable. So he's enjoyed his retirement tremendously. So, yeah, it's been a good fit for him.
[16:40] Christina Donovan: Was that hard for you to have him retired and you still working or, you know?
[16:45] Beth Nemeth: No, I think. I think knowing, I think just kind of. Kind of watching what he went through, losing his dad kind of so young and so early and being sick for so long, I think it really changed his perspective. I think he thought maybe he would work a little bit longer. Um, but then he said, no, you know what? You know, if we're okay financially and we can. We can make it work, um, I don't want to spend the rest of my life working. There's so many other things I want to do and other. So. And I think, too, he and I have talked about what can. What we can do together, you know, once he's retired or somehow we're both into, like, kind of giving back. Right. And both feel so blessed and so lucky. But what, you know, can we do maybe as a couple, whether it's sometimes habitat for Humanity we've talked about, or stuff with camps and students, you know, he's a former teacher as well, so there's definitely some discussion about that going on. But then also his individual thing that's kind of unique to him, and then things that I enjoy doing that's kind of for me.
[17:45] Tara Bansal: What did he teach?
[17:47] Beth Nemeth: He was a special ed teacher at one point, and then he transitioned to an industrial tech teacher. So he had a shop setting in a classroom, and they would build cars and motors, and he just really enjoyed it. But it was a very stressful job, too, because he had kids with, they'd have cars up on lifts, and it was a huge safety thing. And so, again, but it was something he really enjoyed and was very good at, and he made a huge impact where he was. So it was very rewarding for him, in a sense. But I think when his dad got sick so young, it kind of. He kind of thought, you know what? This is. I'm not. I'm not going out like that. I want to be able to enjoy life a little bit, and there's so many other things I'd like to do, and they like to hunt and fish, my son and my husband, and building things, making things. So, yeah, that's kind of what he's been busy doing for probably four years now, so he's been retired four years, so quite a while, in a way.
[18:44] Christina Donovan: Yeah. If you don't mind me asking, how old was your father when he got diagnosed with Alzheimer's?
[18:51] Beth Nemeth: He was probably. Let's see, he's going to be 85, probably. We noticed signs probably maybe around 73, 74 years old. I think my mom would probably say even prior to that. So it's been about, gosh, probably really pronounced maybe the last seven years that we've really noticed it. And it's really impacted our family a lot. And, you know, with him just leaving the house or wanting to drive the car or leaving stuff on in the house. And it just got to the point where my mom just couldn't do it anymore. So we just thought, hey, if we got them into a place where they were, you know, independent living, but they would be in an apartment, and if there was ever an issue, my mom would have some help. I have four sisters that live very close to my parents for the most part. And they were, there was a lot of running back and forth and coming over at 10:00 at night. And he knew it was kind of like a freight train coming. And it was always a big fear of his, this Alzheimer's. And so we tried for, you know, the longest time to, like, manage it the best we could, but just the grief of, like, when I'm really finally ready to retire, he's there, but he's not there. So that's been kind of heartbreaking. And, you know, I think you're ready to retire. You're going to do all these wonderful things, but there's still this other big void or this big hole that's like, wait a minute. You know, your parents are struggling and now the roles have been reversed kind of in that part right now where, you know, things we planned on doing or trips we wanted to take, I'm like, well, wait a minute, let me double check and make sure Trisha's home. Or what if Kate can help out or is Laura going to be around? You know, it's different because it's not just going and taking off and doing what I want to do because, you know, there's this my. They need help, you know, and my mom needs support. And I think visiting with my dad has been tough. She sees him every day, but kind of coming up against that and he's in a memory care unit lockdown. So for her, it's been really emotional and it's kind of like the long goodbye. So he is, he's there, but he's. There's glimmers and we look for the light when he kind of is with us and music really draws him out, but it's, it's so. I think when you love so deeply, you grieve so deeply. And I really feel that that's impacted me more and really made my decision to kind of want to get down there more. And kind of be there and, and support my parents because I think for them now I just have this finite number for them, too. Like, wow, they're in their eighties, you know, so just wanting to be there for them. Like they've been there for the five of us all these years. And, yeah, it's just that, it's just a want that I have and a need. So that was also instrumental in the decision. Now, how long ago did they move into? Probably, I want to say probably two years ago. It'll be two years in February. And they were in an apartment for maybe six months. And the whole family, we came over and everybody was just, you know, my dad really had no idea he'd be sitting in this blue chair or watching tv. And we are moving stuff out. We're, I mean, but it was just kind of lost on him. We would kind of laugh like, oh, my God, he has no idea. And we pretty much went and got this apartment set up for them, moved all of their stuff in, and we basically said, hey, dad, we're going to have you and mom try this apartment for a little while. And he was always worried about money. And he would say, well, wait a minute. And he all of a sudden. Hold on a minute. Wait a minute. What's going on? I said, well, dad, we just think it'd be a good idea if you and mom just, let's try this out. Some of your FBI guys are here. You guys could have lunch and visit and play cards. Cards. And we pretty much shut the whole apartment up and then drove him over and dropped him off with my mom. And he was very angry initially, but he also then kind of settled in for a little while and said, how much does it cost? And. Wait a minute. And who's paying the, you know, he said, dad, you're just renting. You're just renting. And hold, I don't want to rent. I want to buy this. You know, so it was just, we thought we'd have to fabricate documents and we'd have to do all this stuff because he didn't, you know, it was, it got, like, pretty dicey a couple of times. And when you go up against that with your dad, who was an FBI agent, it was kind of like, oh, gosh, you know, I feel like I'm twelve or 13 and he's going to get out the lawn detector, you know, and we're going to all get a polygraph or something going to happen. And, and then it was probably maybe six or seven months. And then things kind of escalated where he was, um, the ceiling was on fire, or he thought there were bugs on the floor, or he said, the carpet's moving, or someone's in the t, you know, and my mom would just. There were people there that could help her, but then it got to be really challenging for her. And, uh, we, the five of us were like, mom, you. You can. It's okay. Mom. Mom, there's help. You know, and we just didn't want her to have him go to the memory care unit. Like, we all didn't want that because that was such a big fear of his. But we also knew my mom couldn't do this. And I've often heard people say, you know, there comes a point in time where you sometimes you have to make a choice. Like, not necessarily pick a parent, but, you know, to save your mom, your dad's going to have to go because this is. She can't do it. And so we did that then, and my dad then went down to the memory care unit, and he's been there probably about a year and a half, and that was always a. That was a tricky thing to kind of get him in there. But I think we have care with him kind of around the clock care because they're, they're short staffed there, so while the place is very. It's wonderful, they just don't have enough help. And so it's been, it's been tough, and, you know, we didn't know what we didn't know kind of going into this, so that's been the challenging part for the five of us, too, because sometimes, you know, some of us can do more than others at certain times, and it's. It's. Well, wait a minute, I, you know, and this is impacting my family and what about my husband and my kids? And how come, you know, so it's just working together to try and take turns. That's kind of what we try and do the best, and some of us are able to help more at times, and. But everybody's been kind of pitching in and, you know, rallying the best we can and kind of. Kind of circling them with as much support and. Yeah, because it's just to see him and look at him and he looks at you and just like he doesn't know you. It is the most surreal experience when I, you know, have voicemails of him leaving me messages and. And so, yeah, that's been a. Been a tough, tough haul. So that sounds. Yeah, yeah.
[25:31] Tara Bansal: Wrenching and.
[25:33] Christina Donovan: Sorry to hear that.
[25:34] Tara Bansal: Yeah.
[25:34] Beth Nemeth: Yeah. So are your sis.
[25:39] Christina Donovan: How many of your sisters are retired?
[25:41] Beth Nemeth: None of them. So I'm the first one. Yeah. But I have a feeling my sister Trish might be, you know, not, not too far behind me now that I'm talking about it and I've done it, everybody's like, oh, you know, hey, I think I only have, you know, another year and a half or I'm hoping to be done in two years. That's our goal. Yeah. To get everybody to kind of together eventually.
[26:03] Tara Bansal: So do you on Sunday, you said you press the button. What does that mean?
[26:08] Beth Nemeth: Yeah.
[26:09] Tara Bansal: How much longer are you going to work and.
[26:13] Beth Nemeth: Yeah, so I think the weird thing for me is it's just going to happen instantaneously. I am not going to wind down. I'm not going to, like, I'm going to be done, and then the next day, I don't have a job. Like, I'm not working anymore. So it, it's kind of weird with education. It's not like I think professions, I think you kind of wind down or you don't go in the office as much or you kind of cut back your caseload or whatever it might be, but I don't have that. I'm going to be done, like graduations June 13 or June 11, and then after that, I'll walk out of here. And effective, I think it's July 1. So with the state of New Jersey, you have to go on the pensions and benefits, and you fill out this application, you literally hit, like, a submit button, and then it takes a few months to process. So I did it just this past Sunday on St. Patrick's Day. So I think it's going to be weird in that. Gosh, it's not. I just will be done, and it's just kind of going to be a strange, like, I'll walk out of my office with a couple boxes, and I'm already kind of paring things down now. And I think September, it'll feel really weird with, like, back to school start and, you know, things like that. But I kind of walk around this building now and I, gosh, I feel like I really kind of grew up here. You know, I started at 26. And to see, you know, I just, when I think back, we also have, like, high school graduation pictures, like the class of 1991, which is when I started, and they kind of line, and I look at the picture of 91 down to, and I'm like, oh, my God, that's so many pictures, you know? So when I think about that time, you know, it just has gone by so quickly, too, in so many ways.
[27:49] Christina Donovan: So are there things in the next couple months before your last day that you want to try and plan for or that you're going to be specific specifically, I guess, planning for?
[28:02] Beth Nemeth: Yeah. So I think, you know, with our lake house, we're kind of looking to maybe put an addition on that. So we're kind of. We've been meeting with an architect to kind of explore that a little bit more as we're going to be, you know, eventually kind of heading to Virginia. I've also looked into maybe while we're here for a year in the meantime, maybe doing something at a community college part time. You know, I think. I think the flexibility now will be important to me moving forward, to be able to kind of pick up and go if I can, you know, not to have this Monday to Friday, you know, 730 to 330, and then you get home. There's more work involved. I think. I'm looking forward to that flexibility that I don't have right now and again, but there's always that. That piece that I'm worried about with the Alzheimer's and the, you know, the dementia and the, you know, my sister and I often talk like, you know, do we want to find out if we have this gene? Do we want to find out? You know, and we're like, some of us are like, yeah, we want to know. Others, like, no, no, I don't want to know. I just. But I think there's so much more information now out about that and how you can live your life differently. Um, with, like, nutrition and exercise and taking classes and just not to necessarily prevent it, but maybe to stave it off a little bit so it doesn't, you know, happen as quickly. So, um, you know, we're all kind of keeping an eye on each other with that and watching out for each other. And, um, so for me, I think it's important that I'm with people and that I'm engaged in things I do like that. That's kind of. I used to bartend when I was in college, and I really love that type of. Again, it's that fast pace, bustle, people. I don't think I could do that anymore because I can't be up past 09:00 and I used to get home at two in the morning, so that was just a fun job, and I really enjoyed that. So I need to find something, too, where I'm still working, I think, with. With adolescents or, or, you know, kids maybe that are just starting out in college and you know, those transitions and making that transition, and it's always such a big one. We have kids coming into high school. It's a big transition when they leave and go off to the next thing. These big chapters kind of in. Um. So I do know that's something I still would like to do. Um, I love yoga and pilates, hiking, reading more. I enjoy doing that sometimes. Um, it's usually like a summer beach thing or if I'm trying to get to sleep at night, but that's something I would enjoy kind of spending some more time doing. So, um, yeah, I'm a bit apprehensive, but I'm also super excited. Yeah.
[30:25] Tara Bansal: So when you think of this next chapter or phase, is there, like, a timeframe that you are thinking and what are you thinking during this? Like, how far ahead are you thinking?
[30:38] Beth Nemeth: As far as, like, when we eventually get down to Virginia, if we're doing that, or.
[30:42] Tara Bansal: Yeah, like, I don't know, just mentally, even, like, if it sounds like, I don't know, you're planning on being here in Pennsylvania for another year and go back and forth to the lake house. But I've also heard. What I heard was you're trying to figure out this next chapter and phase while still spending time with your family and focusing on that. I just wondered, are you trying to just get through this next year and give yourself a break and not plan anything?
[31:13] Beth Nemeth: Right.
[31:14] Tara Bansal: I didn't know. I guess I'm just trying to. What are your thoughts?
[31:17] Beth Nemeth: I think I kind of usually what happens is when I am done with the school year, I kind of take the summer to kind of just kind of collapse and just recoup a little bit and usually spend, you know, part of July and August, um, just not really doing anything necessarily. I feel like I'll probably take the first two or three months or four. I don't know if I'm going to, like, maybe by November or by, you know, I don't know what that's going to look like as I'm trying to figure that out. And I think I, you know, just doing a little bit of exploring kind of in the meantime to see what that might look like, but giving myself a few months before I kind of jump into something else, but something that would, like I said, provide me the flexibility and then just some spending some quality time with my husband, and he and I could maybe plan a couple of trips and just some long weekend getaways or something like that. And just to kind of. I think sometimes I'm just so busy doing what I'm doing. I haven't even had time to, like, think about stuff sometimes. I think that happens a lot with, with work. Um, you're so busy, and so you don't even realize, um, that you haven't had a chance to, like, talk about this, or what are we going to do about this? Because you're just so engaged in what you're doing. Um, like, I'm looking forward to that little bit of downtime first, and I think probably come, like, October, November, I'll be looking to kind of jump into something else, some volunteer work that, to me, you know, my faith is very important to me, and I think there's certainly some things I can get involved with at the church that people would ask them, like, no, I don't have time. I'm too busy. And now I'm thinking that might be something I can really do. So that, to me, I think, is very rewarding, and I think that might even be someplace I start. So I know there's a lot of.
[33:03] Tara Bansal: Need there, but I like that you, it sounds like your plan is to give yourself some time and space to just decompress and explore and enjoy that downtime before you move, make any decisions.
[33:21] Christina Donovan: Aside from the Alzheimer's in your family, what are some of the things that worry you about retirement or this next phase?
[33:32] Beth Nemeth: Um, yeah, besides the, you know, not being so busy and that, I feel like just sometimes I think I feel very purposeful here. I feel like I serve a role. I feel a need. I'm helpful. I'm. I am. I have a big sense of responsibility. People rely on me. I am able to kind of think outside the box. I like to, um, help, and I'm in this big, you know, and I worry that, gosh, when I don't have that, and again, I'm not going to have it instantaneously, it's going to be gone the next. So to me, that is just kind of tough to wrap my head around. Yeah.
[34:11] Christina Donovan: So definitely like a loss of identity, you know?
[34:14] Beth Nemeth: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, like a loss of purpose. Like, well, what am I going to do? Who's going to need me or who. How am I going to be helpful? How am I going to be of service or, you know, so that, to me, I think, is a worry that I have, and, but I think trying to be proactive about it, and I think if I, you know, don't necessarily. I know it's a worry, and I think it's something I have to address and I have to kind of confront but I also think I have to kind of be kind to myself and say, hey, Beth, you know, you gotta. Can't figure this all out in, you know, 48 hours. Like, just, you know, pump the brakes a little bit. It's okay. It's okay to take this time. It's okay to decompress and think about yourself, because I think, I don't know, just even the oldest of five kids sometimes, and that strong sense of responsibility and the job that I have here, you just kind of put yourself. You don't, you don't focus on that. You don't, you know, it's kind of so I'm not used to that. So that's what's going to be kind of really weird. Like, what do you want to do? Like what? What do you mean, what do I want to do? I. I don't know what. I know what you need, and I know what. So, and so what do I want? I don't even know because I haven't had a chance to even think about it. Um, so exciting.
[35:27] Christina Donovan: That's.
[35:28] Beth Nemeth: It is exciting. I kind of thought, you know what? I'm retiring from something to something, and I think just trying to figure that part out. And I think what's driving that for me is, like, what gives me meaning and purpose. And when I can really think about that and answer that question, I think I'll really have it more solidified in my mind. I know it's going to involve working with maybe adolescents or young teenage or 20 somethings I know that I feel pretty strongly about, and I think spending more time with my family and my sisters is something else I feel strongly about, and my kids and my grandson. So outside of that, I think just trying to, um. And there's so much out there, like taking classes at a community college or, you know, just those types of things. And I think you don't even know kind of because you haven't had a chance to kind of really process it. Yeah, I agree.
[36:26] Christina Donovan: I mean, would you say this time of your life, just midlife, right before retirement, or is what you expected? Is it different from what you might have expected?
[36:38] Beth Nemeth: You know, I didn't really anticipate my, my dad's illness so much impacting me as much as it has for so long. It's been, you know, probably. I know he's been sick for quite some time, and we've all been struggling for quite some time. And I kind of thought retirement was going to be different for me, and I thought I would be able to enjoy my parents and they would be in good health, and we could, you know, I didn't anticipate that part of it. I don't think. I don't think anybody does. I guess when I went. When you think about it, some people, I think having older parents has impacted my retirement a little bit, or my plans for it, or my ability to not necessarily enjoy it, but it's just a worry that's kind of in the back of my mind a little bit. It's a concern, and I didn't realize how much it would absorb so much of just almost consuming sometimes, because it's just this sense of worry and trying to plan, and you're just so drained. And so for a while there, until we got my parents somewhat situated, and even to every day, it's something that's. You just don't know what's kind of around the corner. But I know my dad would just say, listen, you got to enjoy life. This is. Take time to smell the roses and put things. Beth, you gotta be able to put that stuff aside. You've got to be able to. And I would see him go visit his mom, who had Alzheimer's as well. And I'd be like, gosh, dad, we would leave the nursing home, and he was really upset and bothered. But then, you know what we'd be able to ride in the car was in New Haven, Connecticut, and we'd, you know, he'd take a ride, and we'd stop and get a pizza at Sally's pizza. We would be able to. He'd be like, okay, hey, you know, I'm going to put this. It's. I've got to live my life, and you girls have to live your life. No matter what happens, you girls have to kind of stick together. So. And we are, you know, but I think I'm hoping that it's. I'm going to be able to enjoy it, and I'm going to. And that's going to be on me. That's not something, you know, my parents aren't necessarily doing that to me. That's something I'm just doing to myself. But I have to kind of put those things in perspective and enjoy life. And my parents have done the same thing and enjoyed their life and traveled and, you know, like I mentioned, my dad retired at 57, mandatory retirement from the FBI. So, um, he. He. And he would say I was one of the luckiest men alive. He really, um. So I always keep that in perspective, too, you know, that he. He wouldn't trade a thing. And this is just something we're going through, like millions of other people and doing the best we can, and, and I'm just thankful I have so many my siblings to kind of help me, you know, do it together. So when you're going through hell, you keep going. And that's what we try and do. So this retirement, I think, is going to kick off a lot of stuff for my family as well, too. I think my mom's got, like, a little bit of a boost, a little bit of pep in her step. Like, you did it. I said, yeah, mom, I did it. So she's super excited.
[39:39] Tara Bansal: When your dad retired, did he, you said he was very family focused and did many things. Did he ever take another job or a role?
[39:50] Beth Nemeth: Really didn't. And I think part of it was he retired at, like, 57, 58. And I think there were little glimmers of some of the Alzheimer's kind of happening then kind of with his memory. When I think way back, it wasn't anything very pronounced, very slight, very subtle. Um, I know some of that, like, technology stuff was kind of tough for him, I think I recall. Um, but he's very social. Um, he would work at the golf course, um, as, like, a starter, and he would volunteer through the knights of Columbus at the church. Um, and he loved going down to the outer banks. He kind of had this beach house down there that, um, and they would go down there maybe six months of the year, and, um, he would be walking up and down the beach. He could talk to anybody. He would, oh, my gosh. It would be like, dad, you know, we're here, like, or he'd be at a restaurant, and we're all sitting at a table, and he's looking to. At the table, like, how do I break into that conversation? He just was very people oriented, and I think that's kind of what he enjoyed doing and spending time with his grandkids and projects and, yeah, that's kind of when I think back about how he kind of spent his time, that's really what he enjoyed doing. So. And my mom, it's funny, when my dad kind of retired from work, my mother went back to work. She went to work as an emergency room nurse. So she did that for a little while on the weekends, kind of sort of. And I was. We were all kind of in college or in and out of college, and she would be doing that probably to help pay the bills, to tell you the truth. With, you know, there were probably four of us in college at one point in time for, like, five years. So, but she enjoyed kind of getting back into what she used to do and her career before she kind of put things on hold to have, to have her family.
[41:33] Christina Donovan: Is your husband excited that you've pushed?
[41:36] Beth Nemeth: Excited, yeah, he's excited because I think he, you know, worries because I sometimes come home. So I get very emotionally invested in what I do here, and I get kind of very passionate about it. And I think he's looking forward to kind of me kind of slowing down and he and I kind of spending time together. We like to go or we did, you know, like auctions and kind of, we enjoy doing that kind of stuff and refinishing furniture. And I think we've got some plans now for the lake and try to figure out we're going to do there and to have this little grandson that's really been a huge blessing and really fun to see him. He's two now, so kind of, he's really got quite a personality and he's growing up, and so that's been really a lot of fun. And I think that's kind of, we're both like, gosh, you know, that we get to do that and we're going to be able to kind of kind of spend that time together and try to really get the plan going and kind of, you know, what, what do we want to do? What, you know, because we were like, you know, you're together and you've got these two kids and you're trying to help your, you know, you, it's all about the kids, and then it's like, wait a minute. What about us and what are our plans and what are we going to do? So we have some travel plans kind of in mind. We have friends that live up in Maine, and that's going to be one of our first trips in October to go visit them. And they're kind of really close to the canadian border, so we're hoping to, hoping to do that. We have family in Ireland. Love to go back there out west. Those are some of our kind of bucket list trips to kind of do maybe a trip to Alaska. So, yeah, that's kind of what we're thinking about. And, and then it sounds like you.
[43:09] Christina Donovan: Want to, you'll leave Pennsylvania permanently.
[43:12] Beth Nemeth: We probably will, yeah. That's the goal eventually, probably for the next, you know, year and a half to two years is kind of what we're, we're thinking.
[43:19] Christina Donovan: How are your feelings around that? That's a big change after you've lived.
[43:23] Beth Nemeth: Somewhere for so long for like 27, 20. Yeah, we've been, like, in our development here and friends and everybody is actually still there kind of for the most part. So, yeah, I like our house. I like where we live. I've done a lot of work to it, and I, you know, but then I kind of, I'm also have friends here, you know, and we've kind of got these established friendships and things like that. So it really be, it'll really be difficult in some level, I think, to kind of make that move and to kind of leave, and not that I'm attached to the house for anything like that, but, gosh, it was where my kids grew up. And so there is that sense of, like, our roots were there, you know, and to kind of just pack up and leave is going to be kind of, kind of a weird experience. But I think it's also where we're headed and where we're going. And I think being able to be back down by family is going to be important. And I, like I said, I just have this, this sense of urgency now with, with my parents and my dad and just kind of wanting to put more energy and effort into them and into my husband and I kind of spending time together. So that's kind of, but then also that other piece where I need to have my thing and my purpose and something that brings me a sense of satisfaction and a sense of service and kind of giving back. So trying to figure all that out in the midst of everything else kind of happening is it's, it's a lot to, it's not a terrible problem to have. I got to say, you know, I'm not like, uh, complaining, but it's also like, wow, what am I going to do? And it's wide open. And I think that part is what's, you know, when you're in education, you're like a teacher or an administrator or a school nurse or a counselor or, you know, it's not like I'm in corporate America where there's all these different, this is very finite and what, so I kind of think in, what can I do? What is my skill set allowing me to do? Where's it going to take me? And just having the courage to say, bet you can. You can do that? You know, I think that's where I'm a little like, okay, you know, I got to lean into that, like, that uncomfortable feeling. And I think, too, I'm 59, heading to 60. It's like, am I going to run up against that, like, that age? Isn't that like, oh, you're too old. I don't know. I haven't really. There's so many things you can do and just kind of figuring that out a little bit is what I'm looking forward to doing.
[45:43] Tara Bansal: Well, I love that you're looking forward to it. And I also want to commend you on at least knowing what your priorities are and knowing what's important to you and starting there and also that you're giving yourself time, you know, to figure that out.
[46:01] Beth Nemeth: Yeah. I think when you've been doing something for so long and then it stops, it's like, you know, now what? So I'm excited about that part of it.
[46:12] Tara Bansal: Any words of advice for what you've been through with your parents or with your family? I don't know what you're willing to share, but advice for other people, I.
[46:25] Beth Nemeth: Think, you know, when we had kind of, I think we were all, you know, wishing so badly that it really wasn't going to be the diagnosis that my dad had. I think we were all just, you know, trying to encourage my mom to like, mom, you're going to be okay. And not that we necessarily, I feel like maybe if we would have gotten maybe some more support or relief a little sooner from my mom, that's the part that we sometimes think about. Should we have, you know, tried to get dad and maybe a memory care a little bit sooner than, than what he did? And our point was, gosh, we're going to lose mom, you know, and I think sometimes, gosh, it's just such an emotional decision and, you know, you feel like you're in your forties and fifties and, but you feel like you're twelve or 13 and you're trying to help your mom and dad and it's like, wait a minute. You know, they've always taken care of me and how can we kind of best kind of take care of them? But I know with my parents, you know, my dad, it was something he was so afraid of, but it was also something he knew was ultimately going to happen. And he would have said, you know, hey, take care of your mother. You know, like, but we were so worried about him, all of us, including my mom, that it was like, you know, so kind of maybe making that decision a little bit sooner to get my dad the care and the support that he needed and just leaning on each other. And that's really been, it's been hard and it can really tear families apart. And I've heard so many stories about things like that, but I think just taking it one day at a time and kind of doing the next right thing. And sometimes you look at the big picture, but what's the next right thing for 05:00 tonight? And what are we going to do tomorrow morning at 08:00 and I think we've been trying to say, okay, mom, we're going to. Let's get through the next day and trying to not get overwhelmed by the scariness of the whole thing and how the unknown. And I think as far as the retirement piece goes, just thinking about not waiting too long to do it, because I think so many people do only to be sick or something happens and your spouse is sick or your significant other can't, you know? And I think that, to me, was a fear that, like, gosh, look what happened. My parents were able to enjoy retirement and my in laws were as well, but my father in law waited too long. So it was just that pull. And I think not really realizing you, you'll find your purpose. You'll find, you know, there's so many things you can do, and I think it's just exploring kind of what's out there and kind of being open to it and not being afraid of change and not being afraid of trying something new. And I think we all have a lot to offer, and I think, you know, everyone has a certain skill set, and I think being able to explore maybe something else that you never even thought you were good at or could do. I think, to me, is kind of exciting and scary at the same time. I just wish it was just something that I would wind down slowly and not be so, like, abrupt.
[49:09] Tara Bansal: Done.
[49:09] Beth Nemeth: Yeah. But it's what, that's. That's what it is. So I'm going to be on the summer mode for a little bit, and then I'll have to figure out when the school year starts, what my school year is going to look like next year. It's going to be very different. Um, but I think, um, combined with a lot of, you know, some time for me, some time for my husband and I and my kids and my grandkids and my family, and then some flexibility with some kind of job and employment and then certainly some service and volunteer stuff, I think it'll be. I'll probably be busier than I ever was. I have a feeling that's what it sounds like. Yeah.
[49:43] Christina Donovan: Although you'll have more control over some of that, you know.
[49:47] Beth Nemeth: Yes.
[49:47] Christina Donovan: Hopefully choosing.
[49:48] Beth Nemeth: Yeah, exactly. And I think that's kind of the really neat part about the retirement that I get to pick now. And this is going to be like.
[49:55] Christina Donovan: If it's too much. You step back from exactly one of those things, whereas your job, it's like.
[50:00] Beth Nemeth: Right. And to have the luxury of doing that, I think is I feel really lucky and I feel I'm just excited about kind of what the next chapter is going to be. Wow.
[50:13] Tara Bansal: I love your energy and you can tell you're a people person. And part of the. I hope, you know, we could call you up next year and see our, you know, 18 months and see how you are after sounds being retired for a little bit. We so appreciate your time and your wisdom. Tina, anything else or.
[50:34] Beth Nemeth: No.
[50:35] Christina Donovan: Thank you so much. It's been wonderful.
[50:36] Beth Nemeth: Thank you, guys. I appreciate your time as well. Thank you so much.
[50:40] Tara Bansal: You were great. Thank you.
[50:42] Beth Nemeth: All righty.
[50:48] Tara Bansal: First, I would like to thank Beth for sharing so much of herself and her story. Right now. I think it's important to know that, like Beth, most people, for various reasons, don't plan the retirement. As we talk about in the timeless happiness class, I think that class may have set an expectation that that's the norm, and that is definitely not the norm. Most people don't plan their retirement, and many have it come up on them unexpectedly or abruptly due to a forced job loss by their employer or a health crisis for themself or someone in their family. And I'd say the other vast majority is that we're all so busy doing and living our life that we don't have the time, energy, or the bandwidth to plan our next phase. That's a real challenge. What we're trying to do here with this podcast and talking about the timeless happiness class is to get people started just thinking about it, even in the back of their head. And whenever the time is best for you to commit some energy and effort to that, and that may not be until after you have retired, which is what Beth is planning. And I also want to say that there's no one right way to retire. We all are so different and we all like and need different things. What's important is being willing to explore and try, and I feel like be intentional about noticing what you like and what you want and continuing to have that feedback and willing to make changes. Beth brings up some really great points about why not to put off retirement. Because life can be short or shorter than expected for ourselves or for someone we love. And I think that's something really personal and important to keep in mind. I'm a big believer, and hopefully as soon as possible, we all get what we want and get to do what we want with more freedom and flexibility. Beth mentioned a few times that she wants to retire to something and she is. Beth is clear about her values and what is most important to her and why she is stopping work now. Even though shes clear, she talks about how torn she is. This isnt easy. She likes her job and not everyone does. But she likes her job and she gets a great sense of satisfaction and doing what shes doing there. And you got to hear her concern about losing that purpose. She articulated well the conflicting emotions of being apprehensive but also super excited about her next phase. I think thats really normal too. She talks about wishing it wasnt so abrupt and complete with her job ending, you know, harshly. But she doesn't have a choice in that and how overwhelming things can feel when the choices are so wide open. Beth knows her values and articulated what she wants in her next phase, time and energy to focus on her husband and her family and also finding a way to work with adolescents and help others. She is clear that she wants to give back and have an impact with those who matter most to her. I like that shes giving herself time to figure this next phase out and not rushing into anything. I bet Beth will be busy in her next phase. She just seems like that type of person. Yet shell have more time and flexibility to pick and choose and figure out what she really wants on her own terms. I have faith that shell find her purpose and enjoy this next phase very much. Yet what that will exactly look like is very unclear. I look forward to talking to Beth again. I hope in a year or 18 months to see what lessons she's learned from going through her big change and hopefully she will share that with us. I hope this call was as interesting for you as it was for us. Have a great day. For show notes and other information about our podcast, please go to our website, messymiddle lessons.com dot. If you enjoyed listening, please share with others and come back for more.
[55:38] Christina Donovan: In our interview with Beth, she talks about how when you love so deeply, you grieve so deeply and her words really resonated with both Tara and I. So we end our episode with a quote that expresses this sentiment. When we love deeply, we mourn deeply. Extraordinary grief is an expression of extraordinary love. Grief and love mirror each other. One is not possible without the other. Joanne Kechitore.
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Beth Nemeth has been an educator for most of her life. She has degrees from James Madison and George Mason Universities and has worked at a high school in Hunterdon County NJ for most of her career. She worked for over 15 years as a special education teacher before returning to school to receive a M. Ed in Secondary School Counseling from Lehigh University. She was able to pursue a second career as a guidance counselor at the same high school and will be retiring from there this year after working as a guidance counselor for almost 20 years.
Beth is the oldest of 5 daughters in a tightly knit Irish-Catholic family. She and her husband have been married for over 30 years and have 2 children and a new grandson.
Beth currently resides in Easton, PA. In addition to her passion for her work, Beth enjoys yoga and Pilates, reading, hiking and spending time with her family.
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Beth comes to us through our conversations with Kellie Walenciak who we interviewed in Episode 12.
We also refer to the Timeless Happiness Class-1 (Episode 14).