30. Learning and Living thru Grief with Brett Danko
“Be kind every day to the people you love. Tell them you love them.”
We are so inspired by, and grateful for, the many people willing to share their middlescence journey with us. We are humbled and amazed at their courage and willingness to open up and share their personal experiences, dreams and fears.
As we continue with this season’s theme of grief – we are especially grateful to our next guest. Brett Danko lost his beloved wife, Dawn, last March. She was 55 and had been fighting cancer for several years.
Brett’s middlescence journey has been filled with what for many of us is our absolute worst nightmare. Brett’s ability to be “an open book” and thoughtfully and stoically detail his last few years is a testament to his strength of character along with his innate abilities as an amazing teacher.
Take a deep breath, then listen and learn as we discuss Brett’s experience of grief and loss that touches upon a wide range of topics including:
The importance of not holding emotions back and having those conversations where you tell the people you love how you feel;
The impact and difficulties respective to a quick death versus a long and painful illness;
The necessity of treating the people you love with kindness every day;
How it is never too late to create an emotional link with people;
Remembering that success is ultimately having people that love and care about you;
Why middlescence is the time to be a little selfish and to do the things you want to do with the people you want to be with;
The value of spending time with people who are going through a difficult situation regardless of whether that situation is permanent or not;
The idea of an emotional bucket that you control who fills and empties it;
Providing continued support to people in grief by reaching out via text, phone or an offer to come by AFTER the first 3 months;
The decision to create and then fulfill your legacy.
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[00:21] Tara Bansal: Hi, this is Tara Conti Bansal, and I want to welcome you to season two of our podcast, Messy Middlescence. My sister, Christina Conti Donovan and I are in the thick of midlife and trying to help ourselves and others to learn about and hopefully thrive in this unique phase of life.
[00:42] Like adolescence, Middlescence is a time of tremendous change, touching almost every aspects of our lives. There are the physical and hormonal changes, but also many of the rhythms, relationships, and frameworks that have dominated our lives for decades all start to shift in various ways.
[01:02] Tina and I are figuring this out as we go, and we hope you will join us as we dive into and discuss topics and ideas that will help all of us grow and understand this special midlife phase and how to live it better, more meaningfully and joyfully, one day at a time.
[01:21] Welcome. This is Tara Conti Bansal, and I'm here with Christina Conti Donovan, and we are thrilled and honored to have Brett Danko with us today on Messy Middlescence. I first met Brett.
[01:39] He was my instructor when I was studying the courses to become a certified financial planner. And I tell everyone, Brett is by far the greatest teacher and instructor I know.
[01:53] He got me to pass the test, so that was very wonderful and exciting. And then after that, I joined and helped start Main Street Financial Solutions.
[02:07] So I got to work closely with Brett in the very beginning when it was just Dawn, Sharon, Brett, and myself. And then pretty soon after, Mike Minter came and joined.
[02:19] So Brett is a dear friend. I miss seeing him and talking with him and having fun in the office.
[02:26] But we are thrilled, as I said, just to have Brett here we are talking about grief, and Brett was kind enough and generous enough to join us and talk to us.
[02:43] Just, I mean, I think it's been eight or nine months since dawn passed away.
[02:49] So before we get into that, Brett, I'd love. We always start with tell us your story. You know, where did you grow up? Tell us about your family. What would you like people to know about you?
[03:04] Brett Danko: I grew up in Pittsburgh, was born in Louisville, Kentucky, and then moved away when I was little.
[03:11] Basically grew up in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
[03:14] Go Pirates.
[03:16] Go Steelers.
[03:18] And Tara also. Well, Tina, you grew up there as well, so. Right. Or yeah. So in. In. In. In Pittsburgh outside. So yeah, so it was there. Went to college in Philadelphia, University of Pennsylvania.
[03:31] That's where I met my wife. First. First. First day of. Of school. We lived next to each other in the dorms and then graduated. Worked for a small hedge fund.
[03:41] I then sort of Went on my own and decided I went through a little bit of a difficult time and just sort of figure out what I want to do in life.
[03:51] And I wanted to work with clients. And the reason why Main Street Financial Solutions, why Main street is, is we. I had seen, working a small hedge fund, I'd seen the excesses of Wall Street.
[04:04] So the goal was to be able to take what the best parts of Wall street and help our clients with, but protect them against the worst parts and the worst excesses of Wall street, hence the name Main Street.
[04:15] So we were, we were protecting them. And I started teaching to be folks, to become certified financial planners. I did lecturing at schools and, you know, at high schools and colleges, did speeches, do all kinds of stuff.
[04:30] And then really the teaching was, was, was exciting. And I was like, you know what? I should become a. We should actually start managing assets, not just doing financial plans.
[04:39] Let's do that. And reached out to Tara. And so I remember on our, around our dining room table, I said, hey, do you want to, you know, come by? And you were like, hey, what's this about?
[04:49] Like, hey, how you doing? I said, well, we should try and do something. We were like, but we don't really have any assets. How do we do that? So we just sort of, what do we do?
[04:57] Tara Bansal: How do we get started?
[04:58] Brett Danko: How do we do this? How do we start managing assets? And that's, that's really where it started in 2007.
[05:05] And then, so the business for education with CFP certified financial planning training, as well as continuing education for that crew, that's continued to grow. And it's one way. And then the ria, Main Street Financial Solutions has continued to grow in its other way.
[05:23] And so really that's kind of how the business side, on the personal side, met my wife. First day, we lived next to each other in the dorms. Like I said, we were best friends.
[05:35] We started dating in college.
[05:38] After we moved away from one another, she went to graduate school. I was, I was, we were separated.
[05:44] We broke up for a little bit. And then I realized this is the person I want to be with. And she was like, oh, yeah, well, I'm not sure I want to be with you.
[05:52] And so, so we, because, you know, she said, I'm going to, I'm going to make you wait a little bit. And so three, six months of groveling, she said, okay, I'll take you back of me groveling, not her.
[06:06] And. And then we were together, you know, from then on, got married and have two wonderful children. Abby, who's 22, and Nick, who is 19, so. And so that's it for that.
[06:21] I don't know if you wanted to get into the other things on the personal side. I was going to let. Let that up to you, but that's basically my story on, on.
[06:28] On both business as well as personal.
[06:30] Tara Bansal: What about growing up? And I mean, to me, a big. I call it a life quake was the story of the passing away of your dad.
[06:42] Brett Danko: Yeah. So I, I sort of had a. I remember I used to get mad at my parents. Think about this as a teenager. Like now when you're a parent, you sort of look at it and you're like, what was I crazy?
[06:53] But I actually was mad at my parents for loving each other too much and supporting each other, like, because I couldn't pit one against the other. They'd be like, yeah, yeah, what is your mother.
[07:04] Yeah, you know what? I know what your mother's gonna say. I know what your father's gonna say. So let's. We know each other really well. So, you know, you're coming to me, trying to work me.
[07:11] I'd be like, oh, man, I can't. I can't divide and conquer. I can't work the system. And they always support each other so much. And so my childhood was, in that way, was good and I enjoyed, you know, high school, all that.
[07:25] And a week before my senior year was supposed to start, and I'm. I'm. So we're allowed. We're in our 50s, so I'm allowed to say it. So this was old times.
[07:34] But so August 22, 1985, my parents went away for a week. They went to Philadelphia to visit some friends. So they were driving from Pittsburgh. And, you know, I, of course, had the house to myself essentially for a week.
[07:47] I have two much older brothers. They lived outside of the house. So I had a party. It was a good party. And yeah, so we got a phone call from Carlisle General Hospital saying that, you know, my parents were in an auto accident and my dad was dead at the scene, and my mother wasn't going to make it.
[08:05] And so somehow my mother did. The doctors are like, we're not really sure. She was in intensive care for, I believe, two to three weeks, which is a long time for intensive care.
[08:15] Then they kept her in the hospital for a week more in Carlisle. Then they medevaced her back to the hospital in. Outside in Pittsburgh.
[08:25] So, yeah, so she was in the hospital four to five weeks. So she never even saw my father. You know, her husband of many years actually get buried. So that was because we had to, we had to do something.
[08:37] And we knew she was still going to be in the hospital and we couldn't, we couldn't delay it.
[08:41] So, yeah, so that was, that's when my childhood ended. And one of the, one of the biggest things that I'll get into in a little bit is that, you know, I remember in high school, everyone was there for me.
[08:54] But I remember Thanksgiving was really difficult because my dad had passed away. I'm in high school and I forget. A very dear friend of mine, along with another dear friend, said, you know, what's the matter?
[09:06] I'm like, yeah, well I'm. And I like to yuck it up and have fun, but I wasn't in a great place. And they were like, what's the matter? It's been three months or so.
[09:16] I don't understand how you're not over it now. That was your 17 year old saying it, okay?
[09:24] And my. That only drove me deeper into despair. It was like, what do you mean? Like you're gonna have Thanksgiving and the holidays with Christmas with your, with your family, with your dad?
[09:37] Like, I'm not. Like, I didn't even try. I tried to explain it. And they were looking at me now. They were 17 year olds, so let's be clear. But I remember and I think that's the biggest thing, the biggest thing was, is that the sting, it lessens, but it still is there.
[09:55] It goes from a burning sensation to a duller pain, but it's still there. And time heals all wounds. I don't know that they fully heals. It may heal it on the outside, but not on the inside.
[10:10] So losing my dad was very traumatic.
[10:15] And then losing my wife, obviously very traumatic for my children. Losing a parent, that's what's so hard.
[10:26] And my daughter said, you actually understand.
[10:30] And I said, yeah, I do understand because I lost my dad. And my dad and I were super close. And my mom and I did not like each other. And she used to say to me, I love you because you're my son, but I do not like you.
[10:42] And I said, well, I don't love you or like you. I remember saying that to her when I was 16 years old because we just butted heads. I realized we were similar in a lot of ways.
[10:51] And that's why we butted heads. Teenagers. And my dad was always there. So my mother and I got very close afterwards because I had to help take care of her after.
[11:01] Cause I was the only one living at home to my senior year of high school, and. And she was pretty banged up, so.
[11:08] So really, you know, having to be there, we grew much, much, much closer.
[11:13] So that's just one of those things of, you know, looking at it and realizing, wow, you know, my kids went. You know, went through this. I lost my dad quickly.
[11:23] So I would say just on death. And I'm. I'm unfortunately become. I'm no expert on it, but I've. I've experienced it.
[11:33] I would rather. With people that I love, the. For the people that actually pass away, I'm convinced it's better after watching my wife suffer for it to be done quickly.
[11:45] You know, my dad died in a nanosecond in an auto accident. I did not suffer. I watched my wife suffer for years and years and years, and she never let on, but she was my best friend.
[11:58] She was my soulmate. And seeing that suffering was very difficult for the people you leave behind.
[12:06] It's better to have time. It's better to have time to talk about things. I was able to talk through things with my wife, say things to her, have her say things to me that I never got a chance to do with my dad or my dad didn't get a chance to say to me.
[12:25] So I've sort of come back on it, like, hey, for the person that dies quickly, for the person that is left behind, a longer timeframe. So how do I morph into that?
[12:36] You know what? Be kind every day to the people you love.
[12:41] Tell them you love them.
[12:44] I would argue make it that. That. So my wife and I never gave each other presents. We never, like Christmas, never birthdays, never Valentine's Day. If I brought something home for her, she would go, what are you doing?
[12:57] Because our thing was actually, let's be kind to each other 365 days a year rather than bicker, bicker, bicker, old animosity, hold grudges. Oh, here's Christmas. Or here's, you know, here's this day, special day.
[13:12] I'll be nice to you. Just be nice to me every day. Let's go ahead and do that.
[13:16] And I got to tell you that that really made sense for us. So I think that's one of the things. Tell those people you love them.
[13:25] And maybe I'm getting off track here, but one of the things I do with my friends now, and it's women, it's a little easier. And I'm being a little sexist here.
[13:34] Women can say to their friends, I love you in a much easier way. My Guy friends, like, I'm like, I love you. And I didn't just start this over the last nine months, since my wife's.
[13:46] Eight months since my wife's passed away. I started doing it after she got sick. But it's interesting at first there's silence on the phone when you say that to a 50 year old guy or a 55 year old guy.
[13:59] Like, I love you, man.
[14:01] And there's like, there's this silence and there's like, I love you too. Or like, oh, man, you're the greatest, Brett. Or whatever. And now I just was on the phone with somebody yesterday and he said to me, this is a person who was uncomfortable, a dear friend of mine, but he was uncomfortable when I first said it.
[14:18] We were getting off the phone, he goes, love you, man. Said, love you too.
[14:22] So it's one of the things within my network I say to people, hey, I love you. Now, if I don't love them, I don't say I love them. But if you do, if it's family, if it's, you know, friends, tell them because they can be, they can be gone like that.
[14:40] Make sure they know that. And I think that's something that's really, really important. And I've listened to a number of your podcasts here. And that is the thing, as you get older, you realize that relationships matter more so than when you're younger.
[14:59] And somebody said, well, is that bad? I was talking to a younger person about, I go, no, because you have different priorities.
[15:05] You're trying to create a business, create whatever that is you're building for something, say in your 20s and 30s. And of course relationships are important, but you're busy with raising children and trying to build your career, etc.
[15:18] One of the things you realize is the money. Success, yeah, that's important. But the success has different meanings. And that success is, do I have people that love me? Do I have people that care about me?
[15:31] And I would argue that that's something that really, really matters as you age.
[15:38] And it's never too late to start that. And it's never too late to create that emotional link with people. And for guys, it starts with you being comfortable saying, hey, I love you.
[15:51] And you can joke about it, hey, I know I'm getting mushy here, but I love you. Because some people who are tougher, that's how I do it. I just say, hey, man, I know I'm being mushy.
[15:59] Just, just bear with me here. Just know that I love you, man. And it's Great. Because they're like giving you that look or they'll. They won't hug. And I go, I'm going to hug you whether you can get stiff.
[16:09] You can do whatever you want. I'm going to hug you whether you like it or not. So just get ****** off. I don't care. But just know this is my way of showing that I love you.
[16:19] You have another way. I'm going to show you my way. And I think that's important the older we get.
[16:26] Tara Bansal: I agree. Great advice. Going back a little bit. What. What did you love to do growing up.
[16:36] Brett Danko: In terms with my dad or what? Love to do?
[16:39] Tara Bansal: No, just.
[16:39] Brett Danko: Well, you grew up in Pittsburgh, so you love sports. So I peaked as an athlete when I was 11. Okay. That was sort of it for me. After that, it was downhill.
[16:50] Tara Bansal: What sports did you play?
[16:52] Brett Danko: I played well, baseball, football, basketball, and then I went on to golf. And even then I tapped out. So there you go.
[17:03] But, yeah, so I just. I remember growing up like you were. That was the 70s with the Steelers when I was a little kid. So they were a great team back then.
[17:13] And the Pirates were good. The Penguins weren't, but the Pirates were good. Pittsburgh Pirates. So, you know, that was what you wanted to do. So sports was. Was a big deal.
[17:23] School, I was always pretty good in school, so that was a fun thing for me, but I couldn't. I always wished I was better in sports than in school because in school, sometimes I would raise my hand and give the wrong answer on purpose because people would give me a hard time about that.
[17:41] Like, nobody ever gave the great athletes a hard time. Great athletes, I'm talking about when they were 10 or 12, but they would give the kid that had, quote unquote, the right answers.
[17:50] They would give them a hard time. And so. As being a geek or being whatever and so. Or your teacher's pet. So I used to actually miss questions and I had a teacher call me out on it.
[18:00] She goes, brett, I know that you missed that on purpose. Don't worry if I was in seventh or eighth grade. Don't worry about fitting in. Don't worry about that. Just don't ever do that.
[18:10] Tara Bansal: Not to worry about fitting in, especially when you're in seventh and eighth grade. And I will say, I tell people, brett, if there was an Olympics in financial planning, you would win the gold medal.
[18:25] Brett Danko: Well, considering there's what, three people? So I at least get a medal now. I'm just kidding. You're very kind. We have a small universe. You're Very, very, very kind. So thank you.
[18:35] I'm a geek about financial planning, so I really like that.
[18:38] Regarding money, I. We always. It wasn't that we were poor, poor, poor, but money was always on the table. Class was always on the table. So what does that mean?
[18:52] Tara Bansal: Like what?
[18:53] Brett Danko: My grandparents were very clear that we are working class people. You will never get above that, ever. And every time I would say, hey, I did this, I did this. And they'd say, don't.
[19:05] You're going up a couple rungs on the ladder. We are people who get brought down. That's what happens. My dad, the reason why I loved him so much, never believed that my dad believed that education was the key.
[19:18] So he was a really good football player.
[19:21] I went to North Catholic and he in Pittsburgh and he had athletic scholarships. I didn't learn any of this until after he died, but I believe he had three athletic scholarships, you know, full rides.
[19:34] And they didn't have any money. But his father, my grandfather, had tuberculosis and was in the hospital. And they didn't have the social network and Social Security disability.
[19:45] They didn't have it the way it is now. And so he basically graduated high school and went to work before he joined the service. But he went to work and just brought all the money home and gave it to his mother to help pay for the medical bills and also for his little brother to be educated and to live, because women didn't have the opportunities really to work or were allowed to work or expected to work, especially in 1950s Pittsburgh.
[20:15] So he did that. And my grandmother used to give him 5 or 10% of the money that he gave. So he worked two jobs. Then he went into the service and sent all of his money home.
[20:25] You think, oh, did he do Venmo? Yeah, they didn't have Venmo in the late 50s, early late 50s. So. And then he got married. So, you know, sort of one of those things is edgy and he had to work.
[20:36] So. And he had a baby at 20, 22, 21, 22. So for him, he had to go to night school. So it took him over 14 years. But he always said that education is the key.
[20:48] It's the way you move up in the world. And that's it. That. That's it. Well, excuse me. Hard work, good values. Hard work, good values, good manners.
[20:59] But education, you can have all those. But if you don't have the education on top, you can't really move up. And his education was not college necessarily. It could be a skill, it could be a trade.
[21:12] But if you're going to be an electrician, you're going to be the best electrician you can be. You're going to be the best one there is. If you're going to be a lawyer, it's going to be the best one.
[21:21] Financial advisor, the best one. If you're going to be a ditch digger, the best one. Toll collector, you don't have those anymore. But back then you were going to be the best that you could be.
[21:31] And sort of, that's what he instilled in us, that you're going to move forward. And that's why I revere him so much. Because kind of a poor kid from the north side, working class kid, he knew he couldn't get there.
[21:45] He knew he wasn't really going to be able to get there, but he felt his children could. And that was sort of. He didn't. He goes, don't listen to your grandparents.
[21:54] Don't listen to my parents. Don't listen to your mother's parents on the other side. Don't listen to them. We're going to be, you're going to be fine. Not me, you.
[22:03] And I think that's really, really important in terms of what he gave to his children in pushing us forward to be better people in whatever way that made sense.
[22:16] Tara Bansal: Very cool.
[22:17] Brett Danko: And that's why I miss him so much, because I wish he was around.
[22:20] I wish he was around and he would be.
[22:24] He would sit back and say, I succeeded because that would, that was his goal. I remember two months before he died, he said, look, you know, you have really good grades, really good test scores, all that stuff.
[22:38] You're going to be able to go to a lot of. You're going to have an opportunity to go to colleges. I couldn't even imagine. So understand a couple things. One, we have no money for you, Nothing.
[22:50] Like we got nothing saved. In fact, we're in so much debt, so forget about that, but don't worry about that. You'll take out a bunch of student loans, you'll get a work study job, you'll do all those things, go to the best school you can get into, and then just work even harder than everybody else.
[23:08] And so, you know, that's what he told me, that a month and a half before he passed away. And that was sort of for me, I was like, wow. He's basically saying, don't make an economic decision.
[23:20] Now, let me be clear, school is a lot cheaper now. It's not 90 to $100,000 like it is a lot of schools. Or 85 to $100,000 at a lot of schools understand that when you're looking at that, you're like, wait a minute, economics do play into this.
[23:35] Now, that is true now. And it depends on where you go and what your profession's going to be and all that. So it was a little easier to say that back then, but, man, that left an impact on me.
[23:47] And after he passed away, I was like, you know what? I'm not going to base it on that. I'll. We'll figure it out.
[23:54] Tara Bansal: And you did, right? Yeah. I mean, yeah. How many. How much in loans did you have when you finished school?
[24:00] Brett Danko: No, I didn't have any because we had. We had some. Yeah, I work. And then we had some. Some life insurance money. And my mom said, you didn't have your dad.
[24:10] And we did help out the other kids in certain ways. So I was so, so blessed with that. And all I wanted to do, my first choice was to get into Princeton.
[24:19] And, of course, Tara, obviously, you live in Princeton, and I worked in Princeton, and I live very close to Princeton.
[24:27] So it's a reminder of me, of, hey, I'm not good enough to go to Princeton, okay? And I love that, because when my kids were saying, well, if I. This is my first choice, and if I don't get in, it's going to be a disaster, I go, you do realize if I got into my first choice, you wouldn't be alive because I never would have met your mother on the very first day of school.
[24:51] I never would have lived next to each other. We never would have lived next to each other. The chance of us being together, zero. Well, slim. I won't say zero.
[24:59] I'll say slim. So guess what? Don't worry about your first choice. Just bloom. You will bloom where you're planted. And my son would always say, if you say that to me one more time, because they would say, where should I go to school?
[25:10] And I'll be like, where do you want to go to school? What do you want to do? We looked at a bunch of places. We looked at all kinds of even schools that I didn't think they would even go to.
[25:19] Hey, you got to choose your own path. And I got that from my dad, is choosing your own path. And that impacts me, has impacted the parenting and the way I've lived my life for a long, long time.
[25:31] Tara Bansal: Very nice. Shifting gears. What are you willing to share about Dawn's cancer journey and her death?
[25:41] Brett Danko: Wow. I'm pretty Terry, you know, I'm pretty much an open book. So for me, I'm, I'm brutally honest about things good, good and bad. Look, they, they, dawn and I had always talked.
[25:56] We actually had a conversation within six months before she was diagnosed that, hey, there's light at the end of the tunnel. In seven years or so, the kids will be out.
[26:08] We'll be kind of 55ish, so we'll be able to sort of live our life and we'll be able to sort of do different things. And, and she was not feeling well.
[26:20] She hadn't been feeling well for a couple years. She went to the doctor, they just said, well, eat better, lose some weight. You had natural childbirth with two kids. And quite frankly, you know, it was an older male doctor who was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll be fine.
[26:37] Take some this, you know, just eat better, you'll be fine. And so, you know, she wasn't feeling better and she went back again and finally she was just like, I need to see a specialist.
[26:50] And then that specialist diagnosed that she had had cancer, probably was a slow growing cancer for probably three to four years before she actually was diagnosed. When she was. Well, well, one of the biggest things is now she, she.
[27:02] Colon cancer, colon cancer. Back then it was age 50 to go get a colonoscopy. And he was like, wow, you're not 50 yet. I mean, she was 48. She's like, wow, you're 47, 48, you're not 50 yet.
[27:16] So you're, you're okay. Well, the guideline now, because people like my wife have died, the guideline now is 45. So they've changed the guideline for my children since there's, you know, colon cancer.
[27:29] My kids are going to be getting them before the age of 25 just to make sure that they can see these things. So by the time she was diagnosed, they essentially gave her two to three years to live.
[27:40] So it had gone from her colon up through her system and her lymph node, and she had a massive malignant growth on her liver. So they gave her two to three years to live.
[27:50] They had to go after the, the liver. They took out nearly half of her liver. That was the first major operation.
[27:58] Because if they didn't save the liver, they said it could even be sooner because that, that was so important. They did save the liver.
[28:06] You know, Terry, you, you knew her, and you actually can comment on this. So she was the strongest individual I'd ever seen. She also was possibly the smartest individual I've ever seen because she everything, I mean, at, at our firm.
[28:22] So she did. Now she was a pediatric nurse practitioner by training. She ran the division of Youth and Family Services, which is foster care code and care children in New Jersey for healthcare.
[28:33] She ran all that. That was her last job. But before that, she ran the largest pediatric HIV clinic in, in, in America at the time in, in Newark. So she wasn't a doctor, but people are like, you synthesize information.
[28:47] She would just bring it in and be like, oh, world hunger. All right, you do this, you do this, you do this. Oh, and you all can take credit for everything.
[28:55] And it would get done. It was amazing the way she worked a group of people and she was so quiet about it. So she would choose the words carefully. She would listen, listen, listen.
[29:07] And she would be like, you know what? Boom, boom, boom. And everybody in the room would feel it was their idea, and everybody in the room would then run through a wall to accomplish that goal.
[29:17] And it was sort of a fun thing to see because you were like, wow, wow, that's great. And she never wanted any fanfare. She was like, keep me in the background.
[29:26] I don't want it. I don't need it. You know, Brett, you need to be in, hey, look at me. I'm the instructor or whatever. She goes, I'm behind the scenes.
[29:35] I don't want to do that. So she would do every job, which was kind of fun. And she did them all. Well, some things she liked more than others, but, but that was kind of fun to, to see.
[29:46] So once, once she got sick, they gave her these two to three years. But she just willed herself to get through. She just made goals. She said, I'm going to get Abby, our daughter, through high school.
[29:58] So Abby was in ninth grade, he was 14, and Nick was in sixth grade. She said, I'm going to get Abby through high school. Then my next goal is to get Nick through high school.
[30:09] Then my next goal is to get Abby through college. My next goal is to get Nick through, through college to see those things and then maybe see Abby get married.
[30:17] Okay, so.
[30:19] And she made it. She made it to Abby and Nick getting through high school, even though the doctors are like, yeah, I don't see how that's going to happen. But she willed it and she made that happen.
[30:30] And yeah, throughout that, I mean, she never complained about things either. She would be in constant pain. Now, you have to understand, she had two babies, no drugs. Her second baby was a 10 pound child with no drugs.
[30:45] Like, she just, she was just like.
[30:47] Tara Bansal: He was a force of nature. Like, if she wanted to do something, it was going to get done. And the. She did not like attention or never wanted to be the center of attention.
[30:59] And that's where it was nice that you were her husband because she would just allow you to take the spotlight.
[31:08] Brett Danko: Yeah. And she was great behind the scenes. So she had a lot of. She dedicated her life to her children. But part of that was, is she went ahead and she was always there for the kids.
[31:20] It was like, kids, kids, kids. And she pushed herself way beyond where she should have gone.
[31:25] And part of that was, I'm not. I don't know how much longer I have. I don't know. So I'm going to take them to every practice. I'm going to be there for them.
[31:33] I'm going to work. We have a dear friend who pulled me aside and said, hey, she just got off chemo and she's running a swim meet.
[31:41] Tara Bansal: She.
[31:41] Brett Danko: And this was.
[31:43] Yeah, I mean, she was like, she should not be running this swim meet. There's germs all around. She shouldn't be doing this. I said, I know. And he basically said, hey, you need to kind of take control here.
[31:53] Like, this is your, this is your wife.
[31:55] Tara Bansal: He doesn't know. Don't go with the flow.
[32:02] Brett Danko: But if she said, hey, I'm doing something, it just got done. So I said, look, it doesn't work that way with her. But I talked to her about it, but. So we're not, we're not gonna do that.
[32:11] And he goes, well, then, do you mind if I say something? I said, go ahead. So at the swim meet, it was a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I think on the Friday night, he sits her down at the swim meet.
[32:22] He pulls her aside and says, look, he has an intervention with her, explaining to her all the reasons why she shouldn't be. And she looked terrible and you could tell she was tired, but she didn't let anybody else know that, like, but we knew.
[32:34] And she just say. She goes, thank you so much for saying all that. She. And he goes, so you're going to go home and go to bed? She goes, oh, absolutely not.
[32:41] I need to get back, finish tonight and then I'll be here tomorrow at 6am but I want to thank you for going ahead and caring so much. And he came to me the next day.
[32:51] I go, hey, did you have your talk? Because she didn't say anything to me. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I had a talk. It didn't go so well. He goes, you kind of warned me.
[33:02] I go, of course I Warned you. So, so that's fine. And then later that night, she had gotten home from the meet and I said, hey, did so and so have a talk with you?
[33:09] She goes, oh, it was so sweet. He really, really cares. He and his wife really, really care. I just thanked them and said, hey, I need to get back to this.
[33:18] But it was pure her. One of the other things is, I think going through a difficult journey with somebody is understanding, sort of, we talk about as financial advisors, goals.
[33:30] So budgets go out the window when you have a few years to live. I think that's one of the things I grew as a financial planner in that you can't have budgets.
[33:40] And you go, well, Brett, you're going to survive. Deal with it, Brett, deal with it. Because you have X amount of time. So we did trips. We did two big trips, safaris to Africa.
[33:51] We did a bunch of other trips. Even though health wise, she probably shouldn't have gone and it was uncomfortable for her, she wanted to do those things. So we went on a bunch of trips.
[34:01] We went to see some dear friends in Colorado at a ski resort a month and a half before she passed away. And the person had texted me and said, hey, do you guys want to come out next month?
[34:13] I said, no, no, but thank you for inviting us. And I told dawn. And Don goes, no, we'll go. I said, you can't go. Like, you can't. She goes, yes, I can, because.
[34:23] And she said, I'm not going to see him again. I'm probably not going to see him again. So I want to do that. So I think it's sort of understanding and really saying, hey, sitting back and keeping your mouth shut and saying, tell me what you need.
[34:37] I think that was the biggest thing I learned from it because at first I was like, oh, here's what I think you need.
[34:44] And then I realized she didn't even need to tell me. Then I realized, wait a minute, this is what. It doesn't matter what I think she needs. It's what she needs to tell me.
[34:53] And then sometimes just being kind, rubbing her feet, scratching her back, doing whatever, even for somebody who didn't want you to do anything and the force of nature, I would just tell you the story.
[35:03] We were living in Lawrenceville. We had created a downstairs suite even before she got sick, so that we were able to. When we got older, this is our house, we were going to grow older.
[35:13] And it wasn't a huge house, but it was nice. And we had a bathroom we made downstairs and a bedroom and so she got sick and basically they give her this death sentence.
[35:25] So she says, I want to move. This is all within two months. She said, I want to move. I've never had a garage.
[35:31] I want a garage. Like that's what I want.
[35:34] Tara Bansal: I could relate to that dream of wanting a garage.
[35:38] Brett Danko: And, and, and I know Tina, you'll know that she wanted a mudroom. And I was like, mud room? And she goes, you know, when the kids come in, they drop their **** right in the hallway.
[35:47] I don't need a fancy laundry room or mud room. I just need someplace they drop it that I don't have to look at it. Okay? That's what I want.
[35:56] And so I explained to her, because sometimes you need to explain to your woman how it's going to be. So I explained to her I'm being totally facetious. And she was such a strong woman that I never told her what to do ever.
[36:10] And so for me, I was like, no, you're not doing this. You have all these major operations, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so she listened to me and she goes, I, I understand what you're saying.
[36:21] You're not wrong. I hear you. I was like, I was like, good, like you get it. Like I'd explain this to you, but you get it. And so a week later, I come home and I said, what you doing?
[36:32] She goes, oh, come here. And I go, what's this? And she goes, well, this is the house we're, this is the house we're buying. Well, this is the house I'm buying.
[36:39] That's what she said. This is the house where. Actually, she didn't say that. She goes, this is the house I'm moving to.
[36:44] And it was in Pennsylvania and it was right across the river. So our church didn't change, school didn't change, or they go to a private school, their ski, their swim team didn't change.
[36:56] So I said, but wait, we decided this. She goes, no, no, you decided that we're not moving.
[37:02] I just said, I understand what you're saying, and I get your point, but just so you know, this has a two car garage and has a little laundry room so they can dump their stuff in there.
[37:12] Yeah, I'm moving. But I do want you to realize that I looked at the numbers and she said, you can stay at the house in Lawrenceville, New Jersey. She said, so we can have two houses, but this is where I'm going to live.
[37:27] And I have to tell you, I think the kids are going to come with me, but I'm totally fine if you stay over there. Like, we're still together. I still love you.
[37:34] You're my soulmate. But she would do things like that. But she wasn't being a jerk. She wasn't being snide. She honestly meant, if it makes you happy, you should live in Lawrenceville.
[37:44] But I'm moving here and that this.
[37:47] Tara Bansal: Is what I want. Because that's what she wanted. Yeah.
[37:50] Brett Danko: So she didn't ask for a lot, but when she wanted something, it was like, this is what's happening. And she would just do it. So. And she always took into account everything was going on.
[38:00] So she didn't spend more than we could afford, anything like that. So I think that journey she suffered, she had many ups and downs. When Covid hit, her cancer came back.
[38:10] That was in early 2020. We thought that she would actually not make it through 2020 if she had gotten Covid during that time. Her immune system was so weak, and it was the first strain.
[38:21] And she understood, she said, I need to get through 2020. Because she was her master's. One of her masters from Columbia was in public policy. So she said, and I understand infectious disease.
[38:33] So for me, you got to get through the first couple strains. Because what happens is, she says, what's going to happen with COVID it's going to morph and morph and morph, but it's going to get weaker and weaker and weaker because that's just how this happens.
[38:46] So I got to get to the third, fourth, fifth strain. And then if I get Covid, I'll probably be okay. And then we'll know how to treat it. But this first strain was virulent.
[38:55] Remember, any strain, any disease that kills its host doesn't spread.
[39:01] So that's what happens. It morphs and changes and morphs to a less deadly. That's what happened with the flu. That's what happened with, you know, the common cold. That's what happened with COVID So we're on now the 10th, 15th, 20th strain or whatever we're on.
[39:13] But it's less and less life threatening. So the deal she we didn't think she'd get through, so we bought a beach house.
[39:21] And that's where she was going to have her chemo and probably pass away. But then that never happened. So we made a commitment to Abita that I never would have done.
[39:31] So it's change in lifestyle of, hey, let's go ahead and do things that we might not have done before, sort of rip up the playbook. So I think in Terms of doing things where you spend a lot more time together.
[39:45] We talked about a lot of things that maybe we wouldn't have talked about before. I think that's when I started telling people around me that I love them, whether they felt comfortable or not.
[39:56] I think that was really, really, really important. And so with her journey, it made all of us better people. But watching someone suffer and suffer silently, and towards the end, it was just.
[40:09] It was really bad. So. And I wouldn't wish that on anybody. And to see your best friend, your best friend, your soulmate, not complain, but know the pain they're in because they don't want to burden you with it.
[40:24] She was like, you all live your lives. I'm. I'm not going to be here, but you live your lives. The selfless nature of that is amazing because I know that when I get a cold, it's called a man cold.
[40:37] I have Ebola. I'm going to die. It's like, oh, I'm dying.
[40:41] Like, she literally was dying. And she was treating it as though she had the sniffles. And so I tried to get her to open up more about that. And the last kind of three to six months, she finally did, and she was finally more honest.
[40:54] She was in such pain, and the opioids. She didn't want to be drugged up all the time, but even then her kidneys and liver weren't working great, so even that, she couldn't even get relief from it.
[41:06] And that was really, really, really tough to see somebody that you love, cherish and respect go through that. But she also didn't want to discipline the kids, for example, she didn't want the kids to remember their mother as somebody was yelling at them when they were teenagers.
[41:21] That's something she didn't want to do. And in fact, she went on. It came back pretty badly at the end of last year. And she decided to go back on chemo even for the only reason is to get to Abby or daughter's graduation in May.
[41:38] And her goal was to get through that, somehow make it up to the graduation and then pass away in June or July. And, and she passed away and on March 16th.
[41:48] And she never made that. She, she, she, she, she couldn't. She fought and fought and fought, but her body just, Just gave out. Her spirit never did, though. She still laughed, she still had fun.
[41:58] She still celebrated the small stuff. She had lost her terra hair earlier, but then when she went on a trial, she. She grew hair, was growing back. She had a short hair and it was really soft.
[42:11] Like a baby's hair. So all the kids and I, we would always feel her hair. And she goes, you're petting me. And we're like, yes, we are petting you. You have the softest hair.
[42:19] You know, like, a baby's hair is so soft. And so it was one of those things where, you know, she was able to laugh and have fun. So we had a really nice Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we knew that was our last one, or at least the kids kind of knew.
[42:37] But. But, you know, I knew and dawn knew. So. Yeah, so that's the journey. I think the journey is you have ups and downs. We didn't know how long we had, so we made sure that we actually spent time together, that we talked about things.
[42:50] She was sort of bedridden for the last six months to a year, nine months to a year. So I would come home and I would just sit on the sofa and we would talk or, you know, when I knew she was in Panama, we would just watch TV together.
[43:02] She would watch TV and, like, cooking shows, reality tv. She goes, you know, the less time I have, the more reality TV just entertains me. And so she would watch that.
[43:16] She said, everybody's so serious about politics and the economy and this and that. She said, I'll watch a cooking show where it doesn't matter who wins, you know, who cares, or, you know, or Survivor or something.
[43:28] So for her, that was, you know, that was kind of. Kind of. That was her outlet. And we would sit there and watch TV for hours. Hours, just us together, and then we'd go to bed.
[43:41] So I think, you know, spending time with people who are going through a difficult situation, whether it's. It's permanent or not, whether they're actually going to pass away or not, just be with that person.
[43:52] Just take time out. And I would argue, even if they're healthy, take time out.
[43:59] Because once you're in your 50s, you start seeing people around you die. I mean, Terry, you worked with Don, you knew. Don T. I'm sure you've had people who have passed away that, you know, like, that's a tangible person that I knew.
[44:13] And it's happening more and more and more. And as we get older, it'll happen more and more and more into our 60s. So I think it's. Now it's time in your 50s, let's demarcate.
[44:24] Because it's really hard, you're 70 years old, to say, hey, I'm going to rekindle those relationships. Start to now, as your children are going Forth. I mean, Tara, your children are still younger, so it's a little harder, I think.
[44:38] Tina, yours are soon to be out.
[44:40] Christina Donovan: Soon or some out. Yeah, we're straddling both.
[44:45] Brett Danko: I think that's one of the. Make time for that. And I would argue when you say, oh, I'll text them, or I'll call them tomorrow. Do it today.
[44:54] Don't do it tomorrow. You'll forget. Life will get in the way. Do it now. That's one of the things that I've done. And my kids will say, we gotta go.
[45:02] I'm like, nope, gotta text somebody real quick.
[45:04] I'll be like, I'm. I've forgotten. I said I would do it last night. I didn't do it. And I'm learning. I'm like, do it right now. You think it. You move forward and just, hey, how you doing?
[45:14] Thinking of you little. Little stuff like that. It matters. I also think sometimes it's. We have too many friends out there. I think part of it is, is sometimes calling that amount, like, since Dawn's passed away and when she was sick, but even more so now.
[45:31] I don't do drama. So I've had people in my life who always gave me drama. They didn't give me drama. They didn't give me a hard time about stuff, but their lives were drama, and I'd get stirred up in a little.
[45:43] I have no time for that anymore. I just cut those people out. It isn't, though. I don't love them, whatever, But I just say, you know what? It's not worth it.
[45:53] So I think as we get older, we find the people, our soulmates, and you only have so much time. And I remember I'm the president of my alumni board for my fraternity at Pennsylvania, and I was raising money in my 20s or whatever, and I said to one of the alums who was in his late 50s, I said, hey, you live in Cincinnati, so and so lives in.
[46:13] He's your year. You graduated again. He goes, yeah. I said, do you see him? He goes, not really. I said, well, why don't you see each other? He said, well, Brett, you're a young guy.
[46:22] You don't understand this yet. But, like, you have a limited amount of time. Like, I got a lot of stuff with work and my family.
[46:29] You start to realize, who do I want to spend time with? It doesn't mean that you see him at homecoming and say hi to him and talk to him, but you realize even though we're only five minutes away, it's not.
[46:40] He doesn't you know, somebody else said to me, not this person, but it doesn't fill my bucket, my emotional bucket. And I think one of the things is you realizing and being a little selfish as to who fills my buckets because other people suck energy out of you.
[46:56] No time for the drama. And sucking energy out of me. I'm just selfish now.
[47:01] Just selfish. That's why I never call you anymore, Tara, Ever. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Come on. That was funny. That's a joke, everybody.
[47:07] Tara Bansal: That was funny because you have made time for me.
[47:11] Brett Danko: So Tara's so good at that. She's like, hey, let's get together, but I'm running crazy and doing my thing, but I'm like, we need to get together every quarter, every six months.
[47:21] It's a 10 for me.
[47:23] It's important. And I'm like, you know what? And that's why a lot of times Tara said, well, I'll come over you. I'm like, no, no, I'll come over to you because it forces me to go over the railroads.
[47:31] It's a half hour to get 25 minutes, a half hour. But I'm like, no, I'll come over and see you. So let's do that.
[47:38] It's important. And you're somebody who helps fill a bucket for me in a good way. I'm not using you. You're not using me. I would argue it's symbiotic. It's like in Africa, you'll have a zebra that has a bird that sits on it, and that bird feeds off the ticks and the stuff that's on the zebra, so the zebra doesn't get disease from the ticks, and the bird gets fed and they're living on top of one another.
[48:04] It's all good, beneficial for.
[48:06] Tara Bansal: Yeah, but it's.
[48:08] What I hear you saying is, notice who fills your bucket and who.
[48:14] You want to spend time. Empty your bucket and who. Yeah. You don't want to spend your time.
[48:19] Brett Danko: So, Tara, if I say, like, hey, Brett, you don't fill my bucket, it's okay.
[48:23] So. But you fill my. You fill a bucket for me. It's great. And when we sit like we need, we always give each other an hour, hour and a half.
[48:31] It is one of those things, I think, filling a bucket, I think that's one thing. In your 50s, we could. We get caught up in the world and get caught up with tv.
[48:40] I quit watching really tv.
[48:42] I just don't. Everybody's like, well, this series and that series, I'm like, whatever. I just, I, it's like I spend more time sort of interacting with other people. I try not to get as hung up on the, you know, on, on the, on the day to day stuff I have.
[48:59] We, we really are for our education business, we brought somebody in to kind of help on the academic side and then hopefully bringing somebody in to help run, essentially run it more so, so that I can pull away some.
[49:11] On the Main street side, we've brought somebody in who's really helping to grow the company, who's our president, who's amazing. And so he's like, Brett, you, you just, you be the person for planning and you be concierge, you know, counselor whenever people have situations.
[49:27] But yeah, I'll worry about all the other stuff. And so it's, it's, that's awesome. So you give up control, you give up ownership, you give up money. But it's well worth it for me as, as I'm getting older.
[49:41] And that's one of the things when you go through something like this. I figure I got 20 to 25 years. So my wife passed away, I was 56. So that gives me, you know, 76 to 81.
[49:52] Kind of gives me, you know, 20 to 25 years. And you go, well, you live after that. But I've seen a lot of people, once you get to 80, 81, it starts to go downhill.
[50:03] Not everybody. So I, hopefully I'll get 30 years or longer. But if I figure that 20 to 25, that's all we got on this earth.
[50:13] And now that the kids are in college and out, man, you gotta be a little selfish. So be with your partner and if that's not your best partner, then don't be with that person because it's not fair to either one of you not telling anybody.
[50:28] They call these gray divorces, you know, like you've heard, you've been reading about it in the financial world where people are just like, look, you don't fill my bucket. It was a different thing.
[50:36] I still love you. We still got great kids, but we're going to go either way. And that's a huge amount of divorces now that are people realizing that. And I don't know that that's unhealthy.
[50:45] I think you should try to figure out what's wrong and you should try to do that first. But if you can't get there through counseling or whatever, then you got to be happy.
[50:54] So I would say in 50s, that's the one thing who fills your buckets and have them around. So you have to call your friends or. I don't mean your friends, but.
[51:03] But your close friends. I would argue that. And that's one thing my wife did. She had a very core group, less than 5, I'll say, really close friends. And that was it.
[51:14] She was like. That was enough for her.
[51:16] Tara Bansal: Like, I. I never was part of her core group. I. I loved and admired her, but, like, I wasn't.
[51:23] Brett Danko: She loved and admired you? I was like, hey, but that's. Was that.
[51:27] Tara Bansal: Yeah.
[51:27] Brett Danko: So I know, I know. I've been going on and on. What's. Was that kind of the journey and kind of what we had for.
[51:33] Tara Bansal: So what have the past eight to nine months been like for you now? That.
[51:41] Brett Danko: Well, the first two to three months, I woke up in the middle of the night. Because I'll say this, for people who are over 40, know men, you have to pee after you're 40, 45, in the middle of the night.
[51:52] You can't sleep through the night. So I. Every night when I would wake up to go to the bathroom, I would reach over and touched on.
[52:01] And then sometimes I would get her face or go. And she goes, that's my face. You know, because she wasn't. She didn't sleep much, especially towards the end. But that was my way.
[52:11] I touched her. It was tangible. She was still there. And I probably did that for the first two to three months. I would still. It was just automatic that I would reach out and she wasn't there.
[52:21] So she had a body pillow that she had used to kind of help her be comfortable. So I put the body pillow in there. So at least. And a pillow.
[52:28] So at least I felt something.
[52:31] And now I don't do it anymore. So I think it's been difficult. I think the most important thing is making sure the children were okay, which of course they're not okay, but just making sure that they're getting the guidance they need and to know if they want to talk to somebody, that I'm there for them, that the person better trained as a psychologist is trained that's ready to talk to them, making sure that people around them were looking out for them.
[52:55] We were fortunate. We had a number of people who we were very close with, and the moms and dads really looked out for the kids.
[53:03] So it wasn't like I was alone. We had a number of people who were there for them, and I would be like they had their own. And so it's so nice now is you can text and I didn't even know about this stuff.
[53:14] But Abby's like, yeah. Nick is like, yeah, I text with them every day. I didn't even know that. So I think that's been. That's helped. That's helped. But, yeah, the holidays, obviously difficult.
[53:25] We spent them with. With one of Dawn's dear friends who we spent last year with and then spent the next day at Hershey park with other dear friends that we had vacationed with, etcetera, Going on rides and having dinner.
[53:38] And I think that was very helpful for, For. For the kids. And, yeah, I mean, it still hurts. It just hurts.
[53:46] Tara Bansal: Hasn't been that long.
[53:47] Brett Danko: I mean, hasn't been that long. But the amount she suffered, it wasn't fair. Wasn't fair for her to be here. I think that's what I live with more is watching her suffer for so long.
[54:00] I was like, I don't want you here suffering, because if you were here, that's for me. I actually am like, I feel selfish wanting you here. Now. What I want her here is disease free.
[54:12] I want my wife healthy. That's actually what I want. I can't have that. And the other thing is you realize you have to move on. You have to. And that's what she would pound into me.
[54:23] Like, literally, she would go, brett, Brett, you have to move on. You have to move on. The kids have to move on. So she didn't do videos. I said, you should do videos for them for when they get married, when they graduate college, this, that, and the other.
[54:37] And she goes, absolutely not.
[54:40] Well, she was like, she didn't say absolutely not. She goes, I'll think about it, but I'm not going to do that. So she had already thought about it. And her thing was, is they know.
[54:49] And you know how I would answer.
[54:52] So anytime anything comes up, one of the kids or even, I think, what would dawn think about this? We already knew the answer.
[55:00] We knew her. She doesn't need to tell us in a video. Now, other people, the videos are really helpful. So I think that's awesome. It's the way you want to communicate.
[55:08] But she was like, you got the essence of me. You knew me. You held my hair when I was throwing up as a freshman from drinking too much. Like, we were best friends with them next to each other in the dorms.
[55:21] You've known me. You're my soulmate. You know exactly how I would approach something. And don't even think that. That you're like, maybe she would, you know, exactly the way I would handle.
[55:33] And every time it's come up I've been like, yep, I know how you would handle this. I know how you would handle it. And I think that's actually giving all of us some solace in there.
[55:47] And also that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. So in a way that actually is helpful and yeah, but it'll always be there. Nobody can ever take her place.
[55:58] Nobody can ever be their mother. Nobody can ever be my soulmate in that way. But I am going to move forward. There'll be other people that are mother, you know, parent, parental figures with our children.
[56:14] Our children will have, you know, will have, you know, other spouse or significant others. You know, dawn said to me, this was great. She kept on saying to me, you need to find someone.
[56:26] You have to find somebody. Because I've been. I'm like, you're my soulmate, blah, blah, blah, I'd be cheating on you. She said, no, I'll be dead.
[56:34] She said, you have. I just know you. You're. You're a man. You're needy. I was like, leave me alone. She goes, no. She goes, you're very social. You're going to want to build a life with somebody.
[56:45] You need to do that. And I said to her, if tables were turned and I was dying, she goes, oh, I'd never waste time on a man. Like, I have my core friends.
[56:55] I have my children.
[56:56] I don't. Maybe I'd go on a date or so, but I don't think so. Like, I'm done with that. She goes, but you, you like that. Like, hey, let's get together.
[57:05] You like the team aspect of it. You need that for you. And so it was her way of saying, you need to move on and you need to do that.
[57:15] And she would say, the kids, you need to move on.
[57:18] You're going to find other people that will fill the role that I have. It won't be the same, but you need that role filled from your father. He's going to have to do more.
[57:30] But also from other people, your friends and dear friends and family. So I think those are things that are important.
[57:37] Christina Donovan: I mean, what advice do you have for those of us who have know people like yourself that are really struggling either in a situation like that or are grieving. Like, what advice?
[57:51] What. What can we do to help?
[57:53] Brett Danko: What.
[57:53] Christina Donovan: What is helpful? What is not helpful?
[57:56] Brett Danko: Yeah, I think the big. It goes back to when I was in high school.
[57:59] The month after doesn't really matter.
[58:03] Excuse me. It matters. So reach out to that person thinking of you. You can go to the memorial service all Those things are good.
[58:13] What really impacts is six months, nine months, a year, two years.
[58:18] And saying, and I gave those as. You don't have to do it. And exactly like, hey, I'm going to set an alarm. But I do actually put it on a calendar when somebody passes away and I will reach out to that person.
[58:31] Three months, six months. I do that because that's actually when it's hard, when the house is full and there's food and everybody's talking to you.
[58:42] You're not. You're in state of shock. And as you grieve, it's. There's stages of grief, as we all know, but it becomes real after two, three months, it becomes real.
[58:51] Going through Thanksgiving and waking up and not having your best friend there, that becomes real. And so I would argue that's. That's key is reaching out over time and then even reaching out and not saying, hey, I know it's been a year since someone's passed away.
[59:08] It's not even that, trust me. They know it's been a year.
[59:11] They know it. Okay. They know it's the first Thanksgiving. You could say, hey, I know it's your first Thanksgiving. I just had a dear friend reach out. It was like.
[59:18] And I felt like saying, duh. I know that now. I know they came from a good place. But hey, thinking of you. Just thinking of you. They. That matters. Just a quick little text saying, hey, let's go do coffee or, hey, would you mind if I stopped over?
[59:33] Would you mind if. Could we meet at a park or whatever, however your friendship sort of dictates, I think that's important.
[59:41] That's really where it matters. So I would argue, yes, you want to be there for them right afterwards. And yes, they need you, especially if you're really close. Yes, that's really important.
[59:49] But I would argue just don't forget because they haven't forgotten your life has moved forward.
[59:56] My children's lives in my life.
[59:58] Yeah, it's a thud. It's a thud over the holidays. It was a thud on her birthday.
[01:00:05] It'll be a thud next March 16th. I mean, I'll never have, you know, I'll never have the, you know, a good St. Patrick's Day again because it was the first day after she passed away.
[01:00:18] So I'll always look at St. Patrick's Day as my wife died. I mean, that's. Even though she died the day before, but that's how I'll look at it. So, yeah, those things affect.
[01:00:26] So I would argue, I think that's the most important thing is just remember that person. And if you need to put reminders, put reminders. Because. Because I do. I do.
[01:00:35] Tara Bansal: Yeah, whatever.
[01:00:36] Brett Danko: It's not cheesy to do that. Any. Anything else?
[01:00:41] Tara Bansal: I mean, I have a million more questions, but we're running out of time.
[01:00:46] Brett Danko: Real quick. Is there anything right there? I will answer it quickly. Lightning round.
[01:00:49] Tara Bansal: Is there anything you think or wish you had done to help you and the kids better prepare for Dawn's death?
[01:00:59] Like you said, you had the luxury of time, but you don't know what you don't know. So I just wondered.
[01:01:06] Brett Danko: No, I really don't. And you have to understand, there's always woulda, coulda, shoulda. There's different ways you can look at it. I don't know at the time you make the best decision going forward.
[01:01:16] I think because we had time, we were able to do that.
[01:01:20] I would say just cherish people, cherish your friends, cherish your children. I think that's really important.
[01:01:27] But I don't know that there's any big things we would have done different. I don't really know. I think we tried to do our best. We tried to while keeping in normal life.
[01:01:38] Tara Bansal: Do you have any other questions, team?
[01:01:40] Brett Danko: Yeah.
[01:01:40] Christina Donovan: And this may be a little too personal, but, I mean, just looking at middlescence and kind of this time of life. I mean, you said you and had plans up to a certain point that you'd expected things to go a certain way.
[01:01:54] And then, of course, she got sick.
[01:01:56] Did you guys talk about things that you wanted to do after she passed away and.
[01:02:03] Brett Danko: Yeah, yeah. So she said, you can finally move to Florida. Because she wasn't moving to Florida. She could. She wanted to move to Maine or Vermont. She considered New Jersey and Pennsylvania the South.
[01:02:15] So she was a Boston girl.
[01:02:17] Connecticut, and then, you know, Pennsylvania. So she was like, now you can go to Florida. No, I think, well, she wanted me just to be happy. She said, if you are happy, she goes, anything you decide, no matter what you decide in life, if it doesn't hurt other people, and if you are happy, then we're good.
[01:02:40] We also have been blessed in life. She said, all I ask is that the money isn't blown. Our children get a small amount of money, and then the rest goes to charity.
[01:02:50] And she said that that core that I want to stay true, she was upfront about that. She said, so if you're ever with anybody else, just protect that. If you're ever, you know, not even if you get married or whatever, there's the Marriage, part of it, but just be careful.
[01:03:06] I don't. Don't waste it all. Just. She said, you know, because that's. That's sort of a wish. She goes, you do whatever you want it. It's yours now, because I'm not here.
[01:03:16] But remember, part of that's mine. So. So she was. She was just like, let's make sure that at least there's something to go to charity. That was really important for us.
[01:03:25] And we had always decided that. And so, yeah, I think. I think, yes, the biggest thing was do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn't harm other people.
[01:03:33] I think that was her wish.
[01:03:36] And we talked about it a fair amount because she said, you're going to overanalyze. Tara knows I overanalyze everything. So she was like, you're going to overanalyze it. Don't. It's literally that simple.
[01:03:46] If it makes you happy and it doesn't impact other people in a negative way, we're good. And if you don't think I would have a problem with it, it's good.
[01:03:55] So that's. That. That was the biggest thing. And I would argue somebody going through this and has a caregiver has somebody that's going to be left behind. You need to talk to them.
[01:04:04] That was the other thing I would like to get across in this podcast. You need to talk to that person. Even if it's a chronic disease that, like, well, I should be around for a while.
[01:04:13] You don't know how quickly things can change, and then you don't have the time. I actually did think we had a little more time. I thought we had a few more months.
[01:04:21] I thought we had a few more months. So dawn didn't have certain conversations with the kids. I think she would have wanted to. She had them with me. I think we were good.
[01:04:30] She had good conversations with kids, but she waited. She was waiting to speak one on one with our kids. So she had some, but not all of them. And so I think that is one thing.
[01:04:40] Have those conversations, let people know how much you care. Especially now if they're six years old. They don't understand. I get that they don't understand. You can't say, oh, certain things they don't get.
[01:04:51] But our kids were adults. They were 8 over 18. 18 and over.
[01:04:56] Guess what? They can understand. So I think that's one thing that I think we would have done better. So I'll go back to that. She would have had those conversations with them.
[01:05:04] It just happens so quickly. And that's where you don't know everything's okay. And then it's chronic and we don't know. And then, boom, it ends. So. And then he can't speak anymore.
[01:05:15] So I would just say that's. That's really important.
[01:05:18] Get. Get. Say it. When in doubt, say it. Say, get your feelings out. So important.
[01:05:24] Please do that. And I know for both of you, I know your family, I know how amazing it is.
[01:05:29] You'll get those out. That's what you'll do. I know that's what you'll do. And that's something that's really important.
[01:05:37] Tara Bansal: Well, thank you. This was great. Thank you for your time, Brett. I know you're crazy busy.
[01:05:43] Christina Donovan: Thank you for being so open about.
[01:05:47] Brett Danko: Thank you for having me on the, on the podcast. I'm, I'm honored to be here. And it's, It's. It's an important thing that I think what you're doing because you're saying to people, hey, this is a change.
[01:05:58] You're in your, you know, in your 50s, et cetera, going in your 60s.
[01:06:03] This is. You got 20, 25, 30 years left. Make them good.
[01:06:09] Be happy. Now's the time. You can be a little selfish because your kids will hopefully be out at some point. I mean, you can't be selfish when your kids are at home.
[01:06:18] You can't.
[01:06:20] Now you can start being a little selfish. And I don't mean that in a bad way. No, you have to be a little selfish or you won't be happy. And so I mean that in a positive way.
[01:06:32] So doing things that you really want to, with people that you want, be it your partner, be it your friends, be it your family. And I think that's really, really important.
[01:06:42] Christina Donovan: I agree.
[01:06:43] Brett Danko: And also, last thing, also deciding in your 50s what you want your legacy to be.
[01:06:48] And your legacy doesn't have to be, I'm going to give a building to a hospital or to a college. It could be. I'm going to teach kids to read. I'm going to be the best parent and grandparent now that they're adults and when they're starting to have children, the best grandparent and parent that I can be.
[01:07:01] I'm going to volunteer at my. At my community organization, whatever that is. Start thinking about your legacy. Tara knows in financial planning, that's one thing that a lot of they focus on investments and on budgets and things like that.
[01:07:15] Yeah, all that's great. What's your legacy going to be? What are they going to remember you for when you're older. And that could be all kinds of things. It's not just giving money to a charity.
[01:07:25] It's actually you, I would argue, giving your time and talent. That's more valuable than money sometimes.
[01:07:33] Tara Bansal: Yeah. And I mean, I love that we could have another whole conversation on that. But knowing what you want your legacy to be, then how should you be living your life now to reflect that and start?
[01:07:46] Brett Danko: And that's where we tried to, I know we got to go, but that's why I wanted to do that. Dawn was like, we talked about what our legacy was going to be before I got sick.
[01:07:54] And it was the kids get a little bit, but the rest goes to charity.
[01:07:58] That's the plan. She said, are we still on board with. I said, yes. She said, okay, well, I'm not going to be around to help ensure that you need to do it.
[01:08:06] Doesn't mean you can't be very giving with your family and your friends. And if you had a significant other, it doesn't mean that in the future. It doesn't mean that.
[01:08:14] It just means, though, just stick to that core.
[01:08:18] And that was something that was important for her and it was important for us together.
[01:08:25] Tara Bansal: Thank you, Brett.
[01:08:27] Christina Donovan: Yes.
[01:08:27] Tara Bansal: This was great. I really appreciate it.
[01:08:29] Brett Danko: Thank you. Bye.
[01:08:33] Christina Donovan: My recommendation this week is the music documentary the Last Waltz, which captures the farewell concert by the Canadian American rock group the Band on Thanksgiving Day 1976 at the Winter Ballroom in San Francisco.
[01:08:47] Filmed and directed by Martin Scorsese, the film features concert performances, song renditions shot in a studio, as well as interviews by Scorsese with members of the band.
[01:09:01] Regardless of whether you are a fan of the band, this film is worth watching due to the dazzling performances by over a dozen guests that join the band on stage.
[01:09:12] It is an eclectic group of guests, including performances by, just to name a few, Eric Clapton, Van Morrison, Joni Mitchell, Muddy Waters, Dr. John, Neil Diamond, Ringo, Neil Young, and of course, Bob Dylan.
[01:09:28] There's something for everyone here.
[01:09:30] My family has watched this film more times than we can count and it is actually timely to watch now in the sense that if you have seen or wish to see the latest movie about Bob Dylan, a complete unknown, this is a nice complement to that.
[01:09:46] The band would go on to back Bob Dylan in the US And Europe on his controversial First Story tour. Playing electric, which starts at the end of A Complete Unknown.
[01:10:01] I love watching the pure joy of the band members as they perform in the Last Waltz, both their music and that of their guests.
[01:10:09] It is a classic and definitely worth seeing or revisiting. It is just under two hours long. It can be found on some subscription sites. Amazon prime carries it along with YouTube TV, or it can be rented off various streaming sites, including Apple.
[01:10:28] We hope you enjoy it.
[01:10:30] For show notes and other information about our podcast, please Visit our website messymiddlesence.com if you enjoyed listening, please help spread the word about our podcast by sending a link to a family member or friend.
[01:10:45] And don't forget to leave a positive rating or review for us. As always, we hope you will return for more.
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Brett Danko, CFP® has worked in the financial services industry for over 25 years and is a featured nationwide lecturer on matters of personal finance. He is regularly called upon by the financial services industry to provide financial planning training to top-tier financial advisors and to consult on complex planning issues affecting their clients.
Brett is a dynamic speaker with the ability to deliver complex information to professionals and clients in an easily understandable way. He teaches the required CFP® Certification Education Courses (Financial Planning, Insurance, Investments, Income Tax, Retirement, Estate and Capstone) and CFP® Board Certification Examination Prep Courses throughout the United States. He also provides classroom continuing education to industry professionals and regularly teaches the CFP® Ethics course. Brett is a frequent speaker at key client events where he presents on emerging and hot topics in the financial planning arena.
In addition, Brett has his own RIA with over 30 financial advisors across the country that manages over $2 billion dollars. Brett is also a volunteer consultant for various organizations. In that capacity, he helps the organizations clients address their complex financial planning situations.
Brett grew up in Pittsburgh, PA and is a graduate of the University of Pennsylvania. He lives in Newtown, PA with his two children, one cat and one dog.