13. Middlescence Misery
“You’ve built decades of experience in a certain area, and I know many feel it’s too late to start over.”
In this episode, Tina and Tara tackle the complex issue of midlife job crisis. They discuss the pervasive job unhappiness experienced by many individuals in their forties and fifties and question its causes.
Acknowledging both the complexity and size of this topic, they begin by exploring the concepts of fluid and crystallized intelligence and the changes that occur with these in middle age. They also address the challenges and risks associated with transitioning careers and the various life aspects and pressures that can influence this.
Tackling the notion that it might be too late to start over, they encourage listeners to embrace change and identify their strengths to find fulfilling work. They promise to revisit this issue in upcoming episodes.
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[00:23] Christina Donovan: Are you between the ages of 40 and 60? Do you feel the need for change in your life, but are not sure why or when or how? Do you feel a pressure of running out of time? Do you spend most of your time doing things that are not important to you anymore? These are all symptoms or characteristics of middlescence and this is our podcast, messy middlescence.
[00:50] Tara Bansal: Hello, this is Tara. First off, we wanted to share that our website, messymiddlescence.com is finally live. It's taken much longer than expected, but we're excited to finally have it up and share it with all of you. We'd love for you to check it out and let us know what you think.
On today's episode, it's not an interview. It's Tina and I discussing a Harvard Business review article titled managing middlescence and a book, strength to strength, by Arthur Brooks, that we both read and thought was worth discussing and sharing on the podcast. This episode was recorded a long time ago, before most of the interviews, so it was recorded before we had talked to Nimit. We realize that we're just scratching the surface on this big, deep, complex topic, but we hope you'll learn a few new things and that it will get you thinking. We know we're going to come back and talk more about these topics and would love to hear your feedback and what you think. We hope you enjoy this episode.
[01:59] Tara Bansal: Today we're going to talk about careers. Why do so many people hate their jobs in middle age?
[02:07] Christina Donovan: So this is Tina, and for the past four years, one topic beyond all others has dominated our household. It is not what I would have thought. Even five years ago. I would have guessed maybe emptiness syndrome, since we're in the middle of older children transitioning from high school to college, but it has actually been my husband's job. He hates his job and is completely miserable. It has become an albatross around our necks. It affects everyone in our household. His unhappiness in his job is so complete and so thorough. It permeates our household and everything we do. It is making all of us miserable, and it is making us question, how did we end up here? I know from conversations with close friends, family, and even casual acquaintances, most people our age seem to hate their jobs right now. And I tell my husband. This all the time, it's not just you. Everyone hates their job, but for some reason that doesn't seem to help. My husband works for a large corporation, but in our very informal sampling, it doesn't seem to be limited to people working corporate jobs. We know healthcare professionals, college professors, small business owners, they all seem as miserable as my husband. Tara and I found an article in the Harvard Business Review that we both found super interesting. One of the most interesting things about it to me was that it was written in 2006. I had assumed that most of the men and women that we know right now that are complaining about their jobs were either the result of COVID on our lives or specific job circumstances, like a regime change or a new boss. But it turns out that unhappiness at your job is a key component of middle essence. It isn't new, and you could probably argue that it's played out differently in different generations. It's somewhat contradictory in that it's both generally pervasive and largely invisible. It's not something that you really hear or read about, I think, in the media. So this got Tara and I talking. Is it our age? Is this bound to happen no matter what? Who are the lucky few who seem to escape this just hatred of their job at this stage in their life? And I guess, more importantly, how do we unravel the various strands that come together to create this huge knot of job unhappiness? There's so many different ways to approach, discussing and analyzing the various factors around midlife job cris. It's almost overwhelming. So we're probably going to break this particular topic down into several different episodes and maybe try to concentrate on some of the different factors that play into this. And the one we're going to start with is one that might surprise you, because it definitely surprised us. And it involves cognitive decline, just like you when you hear this term. We think of this happening in much later years, more like our parents years, seventy s, eighty s, perhaps. But we recently learned that it begins and progresses in our. We first came about this in a book titled strength to strength by Arthur Brooke. And the book focuses on happiness in middle age. But he spends a good amount of time talking about this definitive decline in cognitive ability, and he terms it as fluid intelligence as we age, and that it happens way earlier than most people think. Tasks and skills that we take for granted become more difficult and take longer. He provides a lot of statistical research that shows that it occurs across all professions. It's just not one group of people. And this contributes to burnout and fatigue. And of course, this is happening at a time in our lives where we're working probably harder than ever because of other circumstances in our lives, so that we're working harder just really to even maintain the status quo, which doesn't feel pretty dismal so according to Brooke, it doesn't have to be this way. And then he brings in and starts talking about a different type of intelligence called crystallized intelligence. And this is kind of, I don't want to say it's opposite of fluid intelligence, but they're two very different things. And as the fluid intelligence is declining through our other type of intelligence called crystallized intelligence, which he describes as using knowledge experience, I think Tara also talked about it having emotional intelligence and maturity impact gets stronger and stronger. And one of the things he talks about in his book is making sort of this change from using fluid intelligence to using this crystallized intelligence.
[07:47] Tara Bansal: Crystallized intelligence is like how we synthesize and use and can share information better than when you have more of the fluid intelligence. So that's a big difference. And to me, that indicates more teaching and mentoring and sharing, but also, I guess, editing and just processing the information that you've gained and experience you've accumulated over the previous decades. So it has meaning going back to the Harvard Business Review, we're switching here a little bit. But that book from 2006 talks about in a survey of 7700 us workers, they found that those aged 35 to 54, they work longer than the people younger and older than that. So this is the window. When people work the most, 30% put in 50 plus hours a week. Only 43% are passionate about their jobs. Only 33% feel energized by their work. 36% say they feel they're in dead end jobs. And more than 40% report feelings of boredom and burnout. And this is like Tina said, this is what we are hearing from many of our friends and colleagues I know in the financial planning and in a mastermind group I'm in. And she knows I'm a life coach. She's like, you should just specialize in men in their want to change jobs because everyone I know wants to do that. That's part of what we wanted to talk about. And like Tina said, I can't believe this information was from 2006, because I think it applies now. And I was amazed at the age of the data. And going back also to the book by Arthur Brooks on it's called from strength to strength, finding success, happiness and deep purpose in the second half of life. He talks about that fluid intelligence declines. I couldn't believe that I'd never heard about this. And it made me feel better because I know I can't do things that I used to be able to do. And I always wondered, what's wrong with me? Do I need to have this professionally looked at or not, but it made me feel better. And what I like about. Can I interrupt?
[11:07] Christina Donovan: Quick, Ty. One of my favorite things from the book is when he talks about one of the skills that declines as a result of this fluid intelligence is your ability to multitask. And he talks about how, as a parent, you might yell at your teenager, you can't be on the phone, study, and listen to music all at the same time. And his point is, you can't. You're right. Like you as an adult, as a 50 something person, are unable to do that. But a teenager who is just beginning to come into the prime of their fluid intelligence probably can. And I think it's a really telling example of how you don't even realize that you've lost some of these skills. They've so gradually eroded, I guess, is the point.
[11:59] Tara Bansal: And I feel like you hear all the time that people cannot multitask. And part of me wonders if those studies are done primarily on what age group they're doing that study on, because it may not be as truthful as we're all hearing, but for those of us over age 40, we cannot multitask, but younger kids can. And I agree with Tina. That stood out, and that's a big difference. And for us to acknowledge that in the workplace and with our children and those in college, I mean, I was surprised, as I said, about hearing that. And the only part of that is to accept it. I felt like the book is you can fight against it, and some people just say, I'll work harder and try to ignore it. But that's part of maybe why this age group is working more, because it takes them longer to do things that used to come easier. I also wonder. It's because you're juggling so many other things, too. At this time of your life, before kids, it's just you and maybe a significant other, but you have so much less to take care of. And the older you get, the more people it seems like you have to worry about and take care of. And that also is multitasking in its own way. And if we're not good at that, the burden that takes so part of, to me, based on the strength to strength book, is accepting that this change is happening and to embrace it and keep that in mind for what you want to do. And as a life coach, go to what your strengths really are. And he's talking about a global strength of synthesizing and using experience and using your maturity to help those around you, either in teaching or mentoring. Or other ways. Tina, what do you think? Yeah, I totally agree.
[14:39] Christina Donovan: And I think we do have to be careful not to generalize too much. I mean, the general unhappiness and work can be different for is going to be different for every single individual. And I think when you start looking at the reasons why some things may stand out more than for others. And I also don't think that we can completely ignore Covid, even though obviously this issue has been around for a long time. I think Covid does have some very specific things that it has affected. And of course it affected just as our generation was coming into this middle.
[15:29] Tara Bansal: And the term like, I think it's called silent quitting. How I'd never heard that term before until after Covid. And part of me wonders if that's what this Harvard Business Review article is a little bit referring to, of just people doing the minimum. And I think with COVID it was a major change and people. So the global without Covid is during middleescence or during midlife. People do start to reevaluate and have, as Tina said, this sense of like, I don't have for infinite amount of time. And so that makes people reevaluate and look at things a little differently and that can motivate change. Tina and I were talking about how difficult change can be with the different responsibilities and I don't know, everything being tangled together. And part of what we want to use this podcast and talk about are how to pull out the strands and look at the different parts and motivate to take a little action to make things better and how to figure it out. That's challenging. We're not sure how well we're going to do it, but part of this is just the exploration and looking at that and talking to other people who are doing it, hopefully some that have done it successfully and get input from all of you on where you are and what you're struggling with and how we can learn from each other.
[17:38] Christina Donovan: I think that's a really good summary. I mean, I guess the one thing we didn't talk about is also just in figuring out why you're unhappy at your job. I mean, there are things such as realizing at this point that you're never going to be vice president or you're never going to get promoted past a point where you originally thought you might. And the other idea I think is you've put in all these hours, you work so hard, and you start realizing it's not really meaningful. I'm spending 100% of my time and energy on a job that doesn't mean that much to me or isn't giving me the satisfaction that I want. So, yeah, I think those two things definitely can play into it as well.
[18:36] Tara Bansal: I know the other part of that is you've built this decades of experience in a certain area, and I know many feel it's too late to start over. Right. And all of your experience is how to find something useful and meaningful when you're letting go of experience in one particular area.
[19:15] Christina Donovan: Expertise.
[19:18] Tara Bansal: If that's not what you want.
[19:21] Christina Donovan: There's so many challenging topics in this one area, and it's something that affects most people. I mean, even though I don't work, my day to day life is totally affected by how miserable my husband is. You might say, well, that's not really an issue that you have any expertise in, and I don't. But I am definitely experiencing side effects of, I mean, it's definitely affecting the quality of our life right now.
[19:56] Tara Bansal: And you also hear, and I think, understand the obstacles to trying to change it. I mean, that's like you said, there's so many questions and unknowns. And if he were to find a job he liked or to change a job that affects where you live, can you afford the house where you don't know where your youngest one is going to go to college? There's still so many unknowns and things that relate to each other in that decision. I always call it like the decision cascade. Making one choice then affects so many other things, and it's easy to get overwhelmed with that, other than it seems too hard or too scary.
[20:56] Christina Donovan: Yeah, I mean, I think that's a big part of it, too, is the risks. I mean, you've worked so hard to get to a point where you feel financially secure, and then you're worried that I make this one decision could totally bring down the house of cards, you know what I mean? So there's, I think, just a lot of risk that is difficult to be comfortable with, I guess, in making a change as big as like a career change or something like that.
[21:33] Tara Bansal: And we're going to be talking to both of our husbands, Nimit and Matt, about where they are and how they feel and what are the obstacles, and going to try to see if we can, I don't know, make some progress on at least next steps and acknowledging that takes bandwidth and energy and time that many of us don't feel like we have. And especially when you're working a job so many hours a week with stress and commute and responsibilities, I think it's easy to say I can't take on anymore right now, but then you stay stuck and you don't like that either. Just acknowledging how challenging this is. So if you can relate to this, let us know and we'd also love to hear your thoughts. We're going to try to have some exercises that we can work through. I'm going to try to put on my life coaching hat and look at that. For anyone who's willing to be a guinea pig or do it with us, we would welcome that too.
[22:58] Christina Donovan: We hope our discussion was both thought provoking and enlightening. I have just a few words I'd like to add. First, I want to emphasize that we are in no way suggesting that people lose their competency or potential for growth during middle essence. What we are suggesting is that these years bring unique challenges for many people within their jobs. If you are struggling in this way, it may be helpful to reevaluate your skills and strengths. Have they changed? Have they shifted? If so, perhaps it is worth trying to find a way to better utilize and emphasize them, either in a current role or perhaps looking to the future, as we discussed with Kelly Valenciac in episode number twelve. Along similar lines, it may also be helpful to reevaluate your professional goals, such as Nimit Bansel discusses in his episode. We do hope to explore this topic of job unhappiness and dissatisfaction in future episodes. As we said throughout our discussion, this is a highly complex topic with many different components. We would love to hear from you. If you are experiencing any of these difficulties in your job or in your life right now, please go to our website www.messymiddlescence.com to share your experience, either through comments or to email us. Finally, I do want to share that in speaking of my husband's experience right now, we are continuing to look for different options and I do feel it necessary to let people know that my going back to work full time is definitely a consideration and is very much an option. So please do not judge me too harshly as I continue to be home and my husband and I struggle to find a better quality of life for our family right now. We'll see you next time.
[24:49] Tara Bansal: For show notes and other information about our podcast, please go to our website, messymiddlescence.com. If you enjoyed listening, please share with others and come back for more.
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“Managing Middlescence” by Robert Morison, Tamara J. Erickson, and Ken Dychtwald from the Harvard Buiness Review, March 2006: https://hbr.org/2006/03/managing-middlescence
From Strength to Strength Finding Success, Happiness and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life. by Arthur C Brookes: https://arthurbrooks.com/from-strength-to-strength
Episode #12 “Always Keep Learning” with Kellie Walenciak: https://www.messymiddlescence.com/podcast-ii/blog-post-title-one-g2tjd-s23s6
Episode #11 “Smooth Sailing” with Nimit Bansal: https://www.messymiddlescence.com/podcast-ii/blog-post-title-one-g2tjd-h6et9-jzlsw-jr2jg-jpc2s-3xkr9-kjjxj-bn56s-elm9r-a4xsw-hzdfb-yflxr